You Pregnant? Gay scissors merrily concussing.

Hello creature features. *Record scratch! Um...there's a woman on TV named Antigone...does she know she's named after the product of an incestuous affair? Maybe they skip Oedipus in Detroit. *placing needle back on record. Today I learned from television, the second most accurate source of information next to the internet, that one in four women misread pregnancy tests. Really? Well, that tells me that one in four women should surely not be having sex...and that two of four are sluts. I know statistics are flawed but I'd say this is about accurate. I'm basing this upon my observations that 70% of girls below 25 already have 3 kids. (that's the mother on the right)


Well, that and 25% of them are confused by a + or - and or a color on an urine activated indicator stick. However, these numbers may be flawed as I currently reside in the south.

Speaking of the internet, which I love love love, it's changed communication so hugely. I freakin' love it but I've got to say I think its led to a little detachment from human touch. I mean, look how much more pervasive having sex with yourself is now that we have the internet. Some people even regret living outside the virtual world and choose to notify their partners of STD's via e-cards. Really? Nothing says "sorry I made your vagina fall off" like a cartoon laden ecard containing and emoticon frowny face. As I only speak truth, see for yourself. ST D-Cards.

As I smoke along in this Pall Mall of a life, I cannot help but make note to build onto this giant pile of shit I already am. Despite my recent concussion, I still maintain my notes. OH! what happened? I got chased by a grizzly bear and a dark ninja(these are poseur ninjas that only do evil) jumped out in front of me. Though I defeated both of them with no problem, a granite counter ran out and knocked me in the head.

Of course this happened while at a family function. This fact alone made me hope for unconsciousness. While there, my sweet quote generating Aunt stated her reasoning for not allowing her gay hair dresser to do her hair anymore. She began to explain her fear of her head getting nicked by the scissors and getting AIDS to which my awesome cozen(yes like Larry and Balky) replied "scissors don't have AIDS Ma." I never heard of scissor AIDS or gay scissors anyway. IS this one?


Anyway, one observation I've made recently is 1 corona+1 man from England= tool. I don't know why I have such an issue with that but don't you? It's like a German coming here and going to Wiener Schnitzel or someone from Switzerland going to the Hershey factory.

While I'm on foreigners, I saw this bumper sticker today. The only unfortunate thing is that I didn't have my phone with me to snap a picture so I had to google it. Hopefully this serves the same effect for you.
While this may be true I'll bet my ass it wasn't a foreigner who formulated this sentence. I'm just sayin. In this day and age there's so much focus on things like racial profiling including foreigners. I can't help but think that people purposely throw things out there as a watchdog mechanism to gauge people's responses with moves like this. I read an article on fancy horse hairdos. WHAT? That's normal. Anyway, here are the pictures that were included in the story.

See...you think what I thought! Avert your eyes and keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise you're an insensitive racist. I saw a new politically correct "no parking" sign the other day. It read:

"Please refrain from parking your rickshaws, scooters, unicycles, bicycles, tricycles, quad-cycles, golf-carts, gondolas with wheels, invisible jets, Flintstone mobiles, Bat mobiles, assorted mobiles, oxen, llamas, como se llamas, cows, horses, mules, ponies, donkeys, miniature versions of the same, unicorns, winged unicorns, Pegasus, giant snakes, lambs, goats, inanimate objects powered by pixie dust, hovercrafts (with/without eels), Segways or any other devices used to get your body from point A to Point B in this dimension here. Teleportation is, as always, allowed."

Ok, I really didn't see that but I'm sure we're not far off.

I know that if you're reading this you have to be smart. On my recent trip and 3 different airports, I saw all kinds of people AND don't get me wrong, I love people except for the ones that I hate. Not only in Syracuse, did I see what for all descriptive purposes we'll call "Mr. Wolf Moon," but also at Love Field. This is what I mean and please read the reviews of this product

Mr. Wolf Moon

AAAAAAAmaz-za-zing!

Since I consider myself an optimist, let's talk about email signatures. Nothing like a fresh breath of someone else's life to inject a revelation into yours. There's a guy at work who sends out motivational statements to everyone in the morning to get the day started. The other day he sent:
"An optimist is someone who goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and takes the tartar sauce with him."

I usually counter that with "the next person who takes the last of the coffee and doesn't start a fresh pot, hide. you're about to get your stupid head ripped off and shoved up your stupid ass. have a nice day."

A vendor sent me an email and her signature is "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. " I can already tell she's single, enjoys a glass of wine but she puts ice in it, wears a gold necklace that is the cursive letter her first name starts with and generally plays it safe by doing things like not cooking fish out of fear of under cooking it and getting sick.

Since we're on the topic of things that suck, I've put myself in a position of needing a fix for all shows "real housewives." I am ashamed to admit it except that everyone else I know follows too. The latest..."The Real Housewives of New Jersey." What did they expect to happen? Find Jersey girls with manners? Not even the rich ones in NJ. I've also unfortunately come to realize I've recently had a Danielle in my life.


Somewhat physical similarities but mostly behavioral. Danielle has quite an extensive past marred with drugs and bad judgement. Then, to save face forges on through life with half truths out of fear of being exposed forcing the words of truth subtly to slip from her lips. I think we all know they type. Those who live by the creedo "If I don't talk about it, it's like it's not real." Otherwise known as liars. It becomes unfortunate because you truly care about the person but continuously hit your limits. And they don't care...as long as they get what they need. As much quoted by Vonnegut, pearls before swine. No sense in putting anything out there to someone who won't value it. Kinda funny how something as useless and trite as a real NJ housewife can lead to epiphanies.
Click below and listen while reading the rest



Well I'm looking forward to my next big puff from this Pall Mall of a life. What have we learned today? This time I won't summarize, I'll let you marinate in your own thought this time. Continue to roll credits and get ready to ride it big and tall or not at all. Big changes ahead. Stay tuned! Peace bitches.