Feces, pretzels and legitimate fears. Shhh, I see sound.

You know, I can't be sure but I would like to propose a theory that petting zoos are the gateway to hell. You know I'm not a religious person so I'm referring to hell on earth of course. Have you ever noticed how mangy and crazy eyed animals are in a petting zoo? That's especially discomforting when you eat half of those animals. Then we encourage our children to pet them. Do you know how dirty children's hands already are? Before they touch the animal they have bathroom door, boogers, found sidewalk gum, crotch juice, dirt and dog lick on them. Did you know you can get e-coli at a petting zoo? Then the children vomit and excrete from all orifices which you have to clean up. That's the first step of hell. Then they spread it to everyone. Kids are carriers. They are most likely to cause a plague in the 21st century. It's a proven fact. They spread like rats and have the resilience of cockroaches. Then if the children get killed off from the filthy petting zoos, who will be our future? WHO will stop the pirates? Then the pirates will take over and disease will REALLY be everywhere. Do you know how filthy pirates are? Good Googamooga. We don't have to worry about another ice age if we're heading towards the pirate plague. We will have to take pills to remind us to take our pills. Please everyone. I beg you. Do not let the below image fool you.



In the true fashion of my scattered thoughts, I will be brushing my teeth and going back to Chris Brown biting Rihanna. Who bites anyway? Biting is for babies and dogs both of which dribble and poop in the dining rooms of restaurants. Then I think about the lawmaker in TX(State Rep Betty Brown (512) 463-0458) last week who wants to make Asian people change their names so Americans can pronounce them. Then I thought about pirates and the Sham Wow guy beating a hooker. Then a dolphin swims by singing a slow club song and I'm back to having the greatest day of my life. Feel free to hit play and let the tune guide you through the rest of your reading.




Lot's of people have buzzwords. I'm more of a buzzphrase girl. Things like "what's up my ninja?" or "bitch, i will cut you and kick you in titty." Is it wrong to tell someone(over 60) that if they don't shut up I will smack them so hard their brains will come out of their vagina? It's kind of my new thing. I think it very appropriately sums up my emotions at times. I'm not a violent person but it really is worth the look I get after saying it. It makes me feel good like salami, sex and music from the 90's.

Well now I'm driving down the street. It's lovely outside. Big blue skies and big puffy clouds. Then, a little rock falls out of the sky and hits my windshield. There was no logical explanation so naturally I thought, "wow, a bird just passed a kidney stone and it hit my windshield." Lucky! I'll have you know I've also seen a hummingbird take a crap. I wasn't sure this could be the only plausible explanation though. The stone could have also reasonably been a piece of petrified space bird shit. That's a long way to fall you know? Space?


I've been looking around a lot lately. Human beings never cease to amaze me. This girl...


I like to call this picture American Dream. Really? In a room full of people? Even if you have a cute ass(not pictured here), the bottom line of your cheek is supposed to be above the hemline.

This one I call "I got crabs."



Then there's this person. They have a job.



I mean, I know people in The South are into Looney Toons themed clothing and tattoos but this was a little special. He was all "Thug Life" and wearing this hoodie.



To me...this doesn't scream "ALL UP IN YOUR ASS WITH THE RESURRECTION!" it kind of whispers, Gangtas can be gay too.

It hit me as I was eating some Cheerio's brand chex mix. I kept digging around for the chex and getting mostly all pretzels. Those are the cheap over abundant ingredient that nobody wants! They deserve nothing more then getting fingered by dirty hands in bowls on bars across America. In a bowl full of pretzels and those deformed little breadsticks there are only a few chex. They're a rarity. I seek them. If I ever run a personal ad it will say "chex seeking chex." Maybe I've got myself fooled and I really AM a pretzel but I will try everyday with all my might to jump back in the oven and fix that. If I didn't live in the mix though, I would have nothing to tell you about I think.

Sometimes you have a chexzel. You have people like the BTK Killer. Church going, married,daughters and respected member of his community. His wife knew nothing of him binding, torturing and killing people for nearly 20 years. I'm just saying you never know. Now people can watch you on Google, cyber stalk you and generally have an incredible amount of access to you without you ever knowing. You can never truly know someone now matter how hard you try. That could be their hand you're seeing facilitate things in that porn you're viewing. You never know.

Back to dolphins and slow club and the greatest day of my life



There's something else I learned about recently called Synesthesia. I totally want this disease. It's a condition where your senses get mixed up and some people can see colors in sound. I would like for smell to be associated with sight and work so that if it's gross you just see a color. I could smell baby diarrhea all day or change my garbage without gagging. Seeing color with sound would be awesome but in the case of the most recent Grammy Awards it would all have been something akin to feces. I don't want to have to see unnecessary feces. That's like asking to see plumber's crack everywhere you go. Hmmm...I'm rethinking Synesthesia.

To stay in fashion with the incoherence you've just experienced. Cut scene and roll credits to this...well either work really. See you next time.