The Original Gangsta and Humanity and the Bean

Yes, yes. Once again I've been neglectful. You too may have noticed, my splice days ended. I had several stories in the top 5 and they dropped a bunch of writers, one being me. Short lived but fun. Plus, I was in a relationship that can only be described in all truthiness by the picture below.


Through thought and request, I've once again been prompted to rip the devil's bowels through his urethra with some bantor. Either way, we'll always have things to discuss. Do I start with people's bumper stickers? The absolute garbage of humor or Kanye West's diamond teeth? That should not be permitted like being atheist or gay as deemed by the Boy Scouts. The King of flagrant douchebaggery was quoted as saying "I guess there's just certain things that rock stars are supposed to do." Roll song and read next paragraph...






First of all Sir (with this honorific I've already given you much too credit), you are not a rock star. A rock star bleeds on stage, wears sweaty leather pants, invents signature stage moves, fills swimming pools up with unnecessary things like condoms and pigeons because they can and bouts with addictions of any sort. Last but not least...plays rock n' roll. Additionally when feuding with fellow artists they write songs and have invitations like "get in the ring motherfucker!" or they fight. Though many of today's "rock stars" take to tweeting like a bunch of pussies, I've yet to see one run on stage while a cocoa pop 19 year old artist is getting a VMA of all things and start shit. Simply put, they never run on stage and bitch about awards they didn't get. Everybody knows that real rock stars know awards are bullshit and could care less.



For many of us, I know these are uncertain times. However, when I log onto facebook and your post to another person is "what's that home decorating blog because i need some inspiration," Fuck you. Are you kidding me? If you reach out to home decorating blogs for inspiration, I must be lost as a human being. I'm pretty sure I can find more earnest nuggets of inspiration in a Jack Handy quote. Probably even a fortune cookie. Maybe in a riddle on the bottom of a Natty Boh cap.




It leads me to believe that most of you is hollow like Christine O'Donnell and do you know about her? She created a platform around anti-masturbation and equated it to adultery. I just want to point out that I do NOT have thousands of kids. Her father actually played Bozo the Clown on television at one point. This at least gives me an idea of the tip of the iceberg. Like the tiiiiipppy tip tip tip. That's it.



I remember sometime towards the end of my illustrious inhabitance of TX a story where a man threw a burrito at the clerk and ran out of the store with some shit. They never caught him. I feel like it was Bedford but it's best to forget that place. A few days ago, a man and woman tried to rob a jewelry store with a trash bag, a kitchen knife and a wheelchair. I would just like to point out that a burro is a better fucking getaway car than a wheelchair. Sooooo, you thought you were really going to rob a jewelry store, that I'm sure is full of cash for gold caliber type items, name necklaces that say "Cricket" in cursive and dollar signs, like this:




1. park wheelchair

2. put on trash bag

3. rise from wheelchair and enter store

4. demand everything with a kitchen knife

5. get everything and exit store

6. get back into wheelchair where dubious partner is waiting to push you off into the sunset




That is so fucking gangsta, I hope that wheelchair has spinners.


I'll make this one short. I've got to start breaking these things into installments anyway. What have we learned this time around? Wheels are not always better, apparently there is a separation between church, state and masturbation (I think it's in the Constitution Christine) and whatever you do...don't reciprocate. End scene and roll credits to "The Way It Is" by Bruce Hornsby.