The great toaster nemesis, Mysti Bluee and primal conspiracy.

It's the giving season and I like to help people so I'll start with an open letter. A heart felt one. (Please read with the "Eye of the Tiger" guitar riff in your head, over and over. Riff only)

Dear Old Man Winter,

Go to hell and die. I hate you. I am more tired than Rip Torn's face, of chasing my goddamn garbage cans down the street. It's like a sport, a kill sport. I have to find the can and the lid in time before some asshole runs over them. Looking for the lid underneath cars and skulking down alleys like a turd. Hoping that some asshole pigeon or alley cat doesn't get territorial with me. I almost got killed by a flock of pigeons the other day. Do you know how much I already hate pigeons? I give them nasty comments in public on a regular basis. They're grosser than that time Billy Bob Thorton and Angelina Jolie were doing it.


Now, that bitch friend of yours, Wind? You have got to get a hold of her. While chasing my trash can I was so cold, I'm pretty sure I lost circulation in my boobs. Boobbite. You both suck.


Love,
Kim
-PS, really don't appreciate having to chase the trash cans. I live on a hill. Asshole.

So yeah, I hate the cold, so what? That stinging you get inside your nose that makes you cry because of the air temperature is as awesome as catching a table leg with my pinky toe. Thanks for the bonus bloody noses and body aches though. I like bonuses.

I'm also not a fan of Xmas. It's got terrible music, terrible sweaters and terrible intentions. BOOOOOOO Xmas! Seriously, I can't go enjoy myself at the corner pub without my soul being stabbed to death by stupid people rushing the bar on their winter pub crawl dressed up in K-Mart sweaters and robot santa hats...farting and stinking out my bar. Those hats are creepy as hell and aren't cute much less comedic. Yeah, you're awesome you have a hat you can turn on. Such a wild and crazy guy you are. So now that it's butt to nut in the place, you're going to start dropping beer farts? I could kill you. I gag when I walk by a dumpster. I'm not equipped for this. Of courrrrrrse, it's far too cold to go outside plus, parting the sea of morons is way to much work. Pffft, a sea, you did it wrong Jesus. Try parting the sea of morons, or maybe try to part a fart. A sea? Loser.

And this, this is what I would classify as a rape sweater. Wearing this sweater may cause headaches, seizures, confusion and ambition problems.



I realized the other day that I have a cancel button on my toaster. This is amazing to me. All my life I have never been able to wait for the toast to naturally pop-up from the toaster. I have always forced the slider back up. I realized, the toaster is my nemesis. For some reason, my extreme lack of patience while toasting has become a nemesis situation. I don't know why but I don't want that bastard to beat me. I end the toasting first. I END THE TOASTING. The discovery of the cancel button kind of made my world. In other news, I have a toaster. SCREECH!!!

I have found myself in the unfortunate situation of becoming entrapped in daytime television shows recently. It's really starting to effect my everyday social interactions. When people say hello to me, I find myself shouting "you ARE the father!" or "get off my stage!" You ever seen Judge Karen? She's a spicy black with yellow hair. Awesome. Real Judge, real drama, real justice. She'll tell you... "Stay in your lane!" *The content of that link in does not reflect this blog's views.



Now...meet, Mysti Bluee. I originally saw her on Judge Karen's Court. Upon googling her (she made her television plea because she's a rapper), turns out she was also in the running to be on Flavor of Love. That link will take you to her super classy dope audition tape for the show. She is a gem. Back to her appearance on Judge Karen though. She was on the show suing a guy who f'd up her paint job on her '04 Ford Taurus. She explains that she's a diva in East Hollywood (that's where people get stabbed and robbed) and she always goes out "suited and booted." She has to look good everywhere she goes, that's why she was getting the Playboy bunny logo painted on her car. Every statement she made was followed by, "I mean, look at me?"



The truth is, how could we not!?? Everywhere you go, how could we not?

Today I think we need to salute you, Captain Awesome, for the not-so-awesome name change. I, I can't even go into this one. You sir, are an idiot. And for this, we give you a novelty robotic santa hat.

I've always been one for theories, so I'll just go at it. I can't say for sure, whether that guy who looks like a tragic love child of Bill Mahr, Martha Stewart and a Chinese kitten, Julian Assange,


or the sheer evils of Paula Abdul is behind it BUT...I've found that most internet traffic directed to my blog through google search is via the below picture.



I'm beginning to think that this picture holds a secret back end code. I suspect it may hold the WikiLeaks "poison pill" that could do international damage. On the flip side, it could just contain Paula Abdul's pills and she already has done international damage.



Cute picture I suppose but I think it really throws people off when they find themselves perusing a blog entry called "Feces, Pretzels and legitimate fears. Shhhh, I see sound."

In reflecting upon seasons, divas and good old conspiracy, let's roll credits and end scene to this. Actually, watch this clip first and hum what sue is humming. Very perfect.




I've done my best to prove why cold and xmas sucks. I know there are so many of you who aren't with me. I don't get it. I am learning that chasing my garbage cans can be like boot camp and as much as I hate it, it could prove to be useful. Follow your dreams...television judge shows and you TOO can be a rapper and never underestimate a toaster. Zulu Nation and Jew. (i really wanted to use those terms in this blog but couldn't quite find the right spot, had to get it out)