In my life I'm realizing what I do couldn't prove to be more useless to the world unless I was a hushpuppy or George Bush…ironically enough which bear a striking resemblance to each other. Oh, maybe I got that mixed up.
I often drift off into a state of denial. It's awesome there. I totally want to be governor of that state. I pretend that I'm hot and have visions of doing karate with monkeys and base jumping off cliffs. It's the fucking greatest state ever. State flower, cauliflower ear. State plant, cannabis. State bird, pterodactyl, state song, Because I'm awesome by the Dollyrots.
The state flag, a pop-art picture of a '68 Camero. In parades we throw out money and condoms. You are able to give hugs to giraffes and penguins here too. It's the best.
Anyway, I mean I just couldn't feel more useless in the world at this particular time. I provide laughs and if you don't suck, sometimes love. I'm not sure that's my fair share. I don't remember saying "when I grow up I want to work in a cubicle with buzzing fluorescent lights whining like a child above my head and wear poly blend business suits. I want the biggest inbox ever and I really want to fuck with spreadsheets. I hope I get to answer stupid questions and endure back pain due to my sitting arrangement. Where do I sign up?" there's no way this is better than a rockstar, astronaut, comedienne, teacher, politician.
Yesterday, I was daydreaming in the line at the grocery store. I caught myself tapping my foot to "living on a prayer" which was playing loudly over the loud speaker. Subconsciously I focused in on a midget. I've never seen a Texas midget. Right around that time I'm slowly breaking out of the daze due to zeroing in on that guy and some asshole kid yells, "did you see that?! It was a midget! He was like this tall!" inidicating with his hand that the midget fellow was shorter than the was. This was simply not true…just around this time I glanced to the left and noted the patron behind me was reading this….yes really... "the idiots guide to getting owning a cat." 
A) If you don't know how to get a cat, what DO you know how to do?
B) Cat's take care of themselves asshat so what exactly are you learning?
I've never quite been in a place like that. I swore I was in a parallel universe. Everything was moving slowly and I had a big shit eating grin on my face. That always scares people. Then they start making conjectures about me like "I bet she talks to herself." (which I do) when did it become officially crazy for a person to laugh to themselves anyway? I'm not in hysterics, just smiling fondly. I left wondering if I was dead or in a co-directed movie by David Lynch and Woody Allen.
*sidebar…the bitch in front of me had bad grocery etiquette. I don't understand how fucking hard it is for people in front of you to realize it's their job to put the separator down! It's like a 4 way stop sign…it's not that fucking complicated. I mean I know she was busy purchasing ho-hos and cheetos and southern milk(mountain dew) for her spawn but pay attention.
I've found that after a night of drinking, when I wake up and still have a buzz, naturally I get a 44oz. cherry coke, 22 oz. coffee, starbucks bottled mocha frappacino and like any twin peaks loving individual...a jelly doughnut. I've found that I like to drink a lot. If Saturday, I watch a cartoon where dinosaurs can talk. here are some other things i like
artificially flavored banana things...especially laffy taffy
irish cream by international delights
brushing my teeth in the shower
old bay seasoning on my potatoes
blue jolly ranchers
a glass of water at bedside
eating lunchmeat and slices of provolone for meals
pooping at home(public is not an option and i'm not talking the sidewalk or anything)
buffalo wing sauce on nearly everything
*time out...whatever cartoon, the sushi pack, or whatever it is just had a killer jelly doughnut that squirted it's jelly at them to slay them. all signs are leading me back to twin peaks.* game on
turtles and penguins
technology
the ambidextrious ability i have
since i've shared some of my darkest nuggets of like...here are some things i don't like
stepping in wetness in my socks(this evokes 30 seconds of rage and a stream of swearing)
the smell of garbage
cleaning
when people don't put the separater down on the grocery conveyor belt(this has been mentioned in other blogs)
snail mail
gnats
being really hungry and dropping my food on the floor(again...30 seconds of rage)
people who don't use their directional turn signals
when someone assumes i speak spanish
dropping my eating utinsil(fork, spoon, knife) in the food and then touching it and getting food on my hand
lying
*maybe when i get to know you better i'll share more. that was heavy shit for me.
The other night, i went to the restroom of bw3's. i accidentally stepped on the lady's shoe ahead of me so i apologized to which her companion(who was her daughter) turned around and said "we're just switching shirts." um...ok. she offered that information like i sensed there was something oddball going on and she needed to rattle off something to make the moment less uncomfortable. *time out...i just found out i'm watching kewlopolis. naturally i'm drawn to all things kewl. the talking dinosaurs. they can tell you where to find jesus...and yoga. not yoda...yoga. also i think it's weird that for a kid's program they spell cool like a drug addict raver glow stick kid. what the fuck or in "kewl talk" wtf?* game on...so as i'm in my stall piddling those 2 are in the handistall offering up the olympics of "that's what she said" opportunities. "your hands are cold." "oh this feels great." "i hope it's not too big." things i never thought i'd be hearing in a bathroom of a bar in tx on a friday night. weird. apparently the show is called dino squad. the segment of saturday morning cartoons, which are fucking lame....god all the good ones are on sunday nights these days...
I've found that I really enjoy dum-dums. As of late they've tried to get fancy and become what starbuck's is to dunkin' doughnuts and have flavors like mango and coconut and bubble gum. I prefer the old school. Rootbeer, cherry et al. There's nothing like unwrapping a dum-dum and giving it a good look before sucking it away. It's surface is all retarded like the factory workers put the wrapper .. it was actually hardened leaving imprints of wrinkles. I just find nothing like a good dum-dum. I've just had 2 in 20 minutes. This is becoming somewhat of an addiction like I developed for twin peaks and consequently jelly doughnuts and coffee.(both of which I enjoyed before but is now a product of character obsession) I just decided to try a fancy dum-dum…it's cotton candy flavored. Straight to the trash.
I took a nasty spill. One of my own infliction and lack of grace and as I smelled the skin from my knees burning on the turf, I was kind of in shock but decided it was best to get up and laugh too. 
Then I got to thinking, I wonder how much skin and blood is on this field…I mean, how do you wash Astroturf? I fear there may be so much DNA on that field that new life forms will spawn. The sexes and the races will all mix into one spontaneously creating a new species. Like they did in America. Weird. Either way I cannot possibly express with words the pain and suffering that ensued for the next 2 days. I wouldn't wish it on most. I hope my liver regenerates this well one day. Though i have scars, I can always make up cool stories.
Something weird happened recently on more than one account really. One thing is I went to the mall, I haven't been to one in at least a year and was reminded why. Terrible F. As I got on the escalator I glanced down to see santa and the kids waiting in line. I think my heart smiled for a second. It was then I thought to myself…I'm really missing something in my life quickly shifting my thoughts to Role Models which I was going to see.(without my friend Jenn with whom I'd promised to attend) It wasn't until later when I had to return some items at the library everything changed once again. This happened when a little asshole kid went darting between people, objects and electrons yelling out some ridiculous bullshit and began swinging around the flagpole. Immediately I thought great, this kid is going to get caught by his neck in the flagpole rope and I'm going to have to witness a death. I'm going to be scarred because of this kid. This is bullshit I thought. I then decided it best not to turn around and just continue to the car. It was also around this time I caught a wiff of some car exhaust which was for some reason refreshing. That happens with me and the smell of gas sometimes. It was around then that not my heart but my face smiled and I knew everything was right in the world. After all, I had a ham sandwich waiting for me at home with some kettle cooked chips. Fucking a.
I also learned some things last weekend. My Aunt doesn't like to eat with her hands and likes to use the word regalia. Interesting but mostly amazing for a lady who sometimes puts her pants on backwards and finds the rodeo "exhilarating." I don't look as good as the brothas with a hair pick either I learned.
Fat Albert is real. I go to a bar sometimes(but never again...different blog) with my friend Jenn who is awesome x's 10 and watch bands. I'm just saying...case and point.
Some people reaaaaaally like their TV shows or are traveling with massive amounts of narcotics in their cars and trying to create a distraction...
and some jokes will never get old
Please play this track and read the next paragraph...not only are the words describe my life now...except the Julie part..but a little it does. it's my special song for my special Jewely who is the awesomest.
Life is starting to freak me out and all the people in it. I mean, how the times have changed…I didn't know it was customary to get called "jew nose" for turning someone down in a bar. Who steals a jacket at a piano bar? I'm disenchanted I suppose. I guess I'll just keep watching cartoons and learning lessons. you're listening to"Hey Julie" by Fountains of Wayne because you better have clicked on it. Also, be sure to realize they're in a commercial for LL bean flicker..."the snow is falling down on our new england town." valley winter song...off of a great record. Either way I got soul but I'm not a soldier. I'll make it. however, I want you to end scene and roll credits to this one.
Sigh.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Idiot’s Guide to unsucking the suck
Sometimes...you just know. douche nipple.
I have to start by saying...MADISON JAMES MADISON WE ARE THE DUKES OF JMU!!!!!!!!!! if you are unfamiliar with Harrisonburg...make youself...Obama was just there...even he knows the greatness!
http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/teams/jjb
http://www.jmu.edu/
Who's number one...we ARE
SOOOO...anyway. this happened a week ago. none of you will ever understand the apprehension and freaking out i went through with BECAUSE...well...i wrote this one at work. when i got home...it wasn't there. i thought CRAP! the IT spam filter caught it or I sent it to the CEO...i'm had. turns out my box was just too full and it finally went out on Monday, BUT not without me freaking out and going to the office first after hours. Only problem, suddenly my card doesn't work afterhours. Shite. unbelievable. Continue to read and you'll understand.
woo loo loo woo loo loo woo loo loo...last week....
Well, I wasn't going to do this but as I sit here listening to the sounds of a baby someone has brought to the office to show off…I can't help it. Why is it that when people hear those grunts and chortle sounds, everyone is gathered around making rhetorical proclamations like "look at that face!" yeah. Look at it. It's a fucking baby face. What? "Hiiiiiiii Pumpkin, hiiiiii baby" in the type of voice you use when you're imitating a fairy godmother or woody allen. Then I listen to the mother saying "well she's advanced blah blah blah." Naturally I tune out after advanced. Newsflash…your fucking baby is 4 months old. What possibly can she be advanced at? Sitting upright in her shit rather than rolling over in it? Or did she stop eating her own poop already? I'm confused. What she can open her eyes? Good fucking job. I know dogs smarter than that. Well now there's the crying because the mean old lady in the office won't get out of her face…yes, the one I slapped at the xmas party. Ugh. Give the baby some air girls so she'll shut her yap. Goddamn.
I've done about 15 minutes of work today, totally office spacing but I'd rather do this in exact baby silence. I drank too much on a school night last night. It was highly inappropriate but I always seem to suffer at the hands of peer pressure. Peer pressure by fun. See me and fun…we're fucking friends. Me and puking in the sink…not friends. I can't focus on anything except for getting a massage tonight and going to bed. I have 2 hours left. This is terrible.
I'm wondering about things though. Things like what is the purpose of roman numerals anymore? We have real numbers now, why the fuck does anyone continue to use them? I've also noticed that when I'm tired I walk differently. My feet go out to the side like a duck and I push off with the inside of my big toe like I'm climbing up a hill. Weird. Time out. I need to go get some chips. Well those were delicious. Now back to my time letting my mind wonder like a four year old.
Well. I'm off to adopt a black child.
KDIZ
Caution...herpes, ginger kids and self defeat ahead. On a serious Tip
So, I've been doing a lot more "single" things lately like eating out alone rather than ordering in. This way I can still get "all you can eat." Single things also include not often wearing clothes in the house(careful for splatter while cooking), losing the kitchen counter beneath beer cans and fast food bags in less than a weekend, the reliability that your laptop will always be right next to you in the morning and like Liz Lemon…fearing death by choking on a tv dinner with little chance of being found for days.
Tonight…case and point. I got a mailer for a Sushi/beer happy hour. I left work and hauled ass to make it in time. I walked in, looked around and realized….no place called "Oriental Lite" is a place where I should eat sushi. This said, I got a beer and ordered a couple of pieces to try. It wasn't too bad but I needed a better scene. SO here I go to Genki Sushi which not only has a conveyor belt that brings sushi right in front of you but has that awesome reminder view of bally's total fitness.
The conveyor belt gets dangerous. Grabbing things as they go by and more than one because you don't want the good shit to get away. I almost actually stood up and jumped to grab some Red Snapper from the inner loop(yeah, like the beltway. If you don't know what that is…it's as dumb as TX) after I realized it had passed.
As the single guy who was dining alone when I arrived was leaving, a new single girl was coming in. not the kind you really have a lot of room to wonder why. You know, the kind that wears a gold initial necklace of their first name in cursive?
I already know what her house looks like. Fake floral arrangements, ugly throw rugs and patterned furniture like your parents would buy. She has never masturbated ever. She belongs to groups with the word "Sisterhood" in the title and her mother is her best friend. For fun, she helps people at work. Mid to late thirties, unavoidable double chin and a stomach churning fear I'm headed in this direction.
The single guy who left…lazy. Not a drinker, way too into sports with his friends and completely scared of girls. He definitely masturbates. He's also a ginger kid. This is one of the most unappealing qualities out there. I'm not sure what his house is like but the thought of having children with him is extremely unappealing. Even by accident. I'm not sure that accident would ever happen though, he seems careful. Like the guy who drives a Hyundai because his mother tells him it's the safest and his dad gets him with the economic practicality of a methmobile. I call it a methmobile because once when MY mother tried to convince me to get a Hyundai, in addition to the above reasons, she also tried "Hyundais are the top selling cars now, they even outsell Toyotas now." I replied, "Well, meth is the top selling drug and made in a bathtub too but that doesn't mean I'm going to buy it."
Now, I don't know what it is with the gingers lately but I got attacked by an old ginger man the other night. I decided to play a few games of NTN buzztime and this guy a seat away kept making conversation. This was fine until he moved over a chair and was way too close and entering my back the fuck up zone. He then actually picked up my phone and opened it and asked "any good pictures?" no I said, as I looked at him in horror. As I turn to look at the screen he says "NOW YOU DO! Ahahahaha" and I get this…
I mean really…are you fucking kidding me?? Needless to say I left. Amazingly I did so without threatening violence, insulting his mother or kicking him in the titty. I think it was that…"wow. Really? Is this all I get" feeling? I think I actually came close to curling into a ball and thinking "holy jesus and buttermilk biscuits…maybe those fucking nuns had it right. maybe I should have paid attention to that finding of the god" and running out to the store and getting this…
"The Idiots Guide To The Last Days"
Play this and read the next paragraph while listening
I was driving home and contemplating when that new shitty Killers song came on but it got me with "cut the cord." As I'm realizing I need to do so with all of my inhibitions I've seemed to re-develop, I was realizing how boring I've become. An allusion of an illusion of my delusion. Or an illusion of allusion….it all works really. I guess I just have to realize is that none of it matters once you cut the cord. Not where you are, what you do, who you wake up with or what you ate for lunch. Now…the herpes…that might get you but thanfully i'm a herpe resistant ninja. Looking back to the past for moments of clarity is pointless. If the past were meant to be, it would be the present. I need to realize that I know when I'll get there. If it happens to be somewhere I've been before, I guess I just wasn't supposed to be there the first time. For that slight moment where I felt pity for my plight reality slapped me. I do not wear a gold cursive "K" necklace. Things are going to be juuuuuuust fine. Plus, I definitely masturbate. Roll credits and allow "Handlebars" by Flobots continue to play.
Tonight…case and point. I got a mailer for a Sushi/beer happy hour. I left work and hauled ass to make it in time. I walked in, looked around and realized….no place called "Oriental Lite" is a place where I should eat sushi. This said, I got a beer and ordered a couple of pieces to try. It wasn't too bad but I needed a better scene. SO here I go to Genki Sushi which not only has a conveyor belt that brings sushi right in front of you but has that awesome reminder view of bally's total fitness.
The conveyor belt gets dangerous. Grabbing things as they go by and more than one because you don't want the good shit to get away. I almost actually stood up and jumped to grab some Red Snapper from the inner loop(yeah, like the beltway. If you don't know what that is…it's as dumb as TX) after I realized it had passed.
As the single guy who was dining alone when I arrived was leaving, a new single girl was coming in. not the kind you really have a lot of room to wonder why. You know, the kind that wears a gold initial necklace of their first name in cursive?
I already know what her house looks like. Fake floral arrangements, ugly throw rugs and patterned furniture like your parents would buy. She has never masturbated ever. She belongs to groups with the word "Sisterhood" in the title and her mother is her best friend. For fun, she helps people at work. Mid to late thirties, unavoidable double chin and a stomach churning fear I'm headed in this direction.
The single guy who left…lazy. Not a drinker, way too into sports with his friends and completely scared of girls. He definitely masturbates. He's also a ginger kid. This is one of the most unappealing qualities out there. I'm not sure what his house is like but the thought of having children with him is extremely unappealing. Even by accident. I'm not sure that accident would ever happen though, he seems careful. Like the guy who drives a Hyundai because his mother tells him it's the safest and his dad gets him with the economic practicality of a methmobile. I call it a methmobile because once when MY mother tried to convince me to get a Hyundai, in addition to the above reasons, she also tried "Hyundais are the top selling cars now, they even outsell Toyotas now." I replied, "Well, meth is the top selling drug and made in a bathtub too but that doesn't mean I'm going to buy it."
Now, I don't know what it is with the gingers lately but I got attacked by an old ginger man the other night. I decided to play a few games of NTN buzztime and this guy a seat away kept making conversation. This was fine until he moved over a chair and was way too close and entering my back the fuck up zone. He then actually picked up my phone and opened it and asked "any good pictures?" no I said, as I looked at him in horror. As I turn to look at the screen he says "NOW YOU DO! Ahahahaha" and I get this…
I mean really…are you fucking kidding me?? Needless to say I left. Amazingly I did so without threatening violence, insulting his mother or kicking him in the titty. I think it was that…"wow. Really? Is this all I get" feeling? I think I actually came close to curling into a ball and thinking "holy jesus and buttermilk biscuits…maybe those fucking nuns had it right. maybe I should have paid attention to that finding of the god" and running out to the store and getting this…
"The Idiots Guide To The Last Days"
Play this and read the next paragraph while listening
I was driving home and contemplating when that new shitty Killers song came on but it got me with "cut the cord." As I'm realizing I need to do so with all of my inhibitions I've seemed to re-develop, I was realizing how boring I've become. An allusion of an illusion of my delusion. Or an illusion of allusion….it all works really. I guess I just have to realize is that none of it matters once you cut the cord. Not where you are, what you do, who you wake up with or what you ate for lunch. Now…the herpes…that might get you but thanfully i'm a herpe resistant ninja. Looking back to the past for moments of clarity is pointless. If the past were meant to be, it would be the present. I need to realize that I know when I'll get there. If it happens to be somewhere I've been before, I guess I just wasn't supposed to be there the first time. For that slight moment where I felt pity for my plight reality slapped me. I do not wear a gold cursive "K" necklace. Things are going to be juuuuuuust fine. Plus, I definitely masturbate. Roll credits and allow "Handlebars" by Flobots continue to play.
Insomniatic Bloatation Device and Stupid Nuns
Fucking really? I went to bed at 10PM yet here I lie after a slew of activities such as watching episodes of Alf from Season 1 and 2, reading the news of every country east of China and west of China, facebooking, myspaceing, ingesting things, perezhiltoning....yes, here I lie awake
I've been thinking of things like what if I have lupis or a bloodclot? If someone breaks into my apartment right now...do i have enough time to grab my 9 iron (to the left of my bed) and blugeon them? Wonder if i'll ever get in a scooter accident should I wear my helmet to possibly avoid further retardation. Also, I could have sworn we just had a hurricane...
so how come the sprinklers keep coming on every 30 minutes. Why didn't the doctor just listen to me when i went for swelling of my ankle and he made me take a pregnancy test? that is a resource wasted that could have been utilized for 17 year old girls in alaska or 14 year old girls in tx.
Regardless, i lay here as hurricane Flo makes landfall, bloating me and crushing my insides, wondering about shit like what I would look like if I was skinny and how early is too early too go into work? I would get up and watch a movie but i'm kind of nervous in my delicate state after watching steel magnolias yesterday and having a complete meltdown. I'm mad I didn't get to watch my football team play due to....
is it going to rain tomorrow or can I ride the scooter? Will i ever get married and have kids that I'll smack the shit out of? Wonder what DT is doing? Wonder if Jewely is up? I've bought all new furniture in my head and rearranged it.
Now there's some sort of owl or something that sounds to me like I should call it a wipperwill. i don't know what that is but it sounds about right. I'm to the point where I'm rubbing the boogers out of my eyes because I've been up so long. I get up now in then to look out the window to see if some douche ass has knocked over my scooter tonight. (as last night)
i've been trying to figure out if i could be mayor of a small town for a few years and end up on a vp ticket. i read a story about a priest in venice who got caught in bed with a parishner's wife. it made me think about what it might be like to try and be a nun. all of that no cussing, and drinking and smoking or doing it. somebody must really convice those broads that god is really worth it. i don't get it. i think that when nuns die they get really pissed when there's no heaven just a big sign that says "HA, you wasted your life! you didn't get to do anything fun. we tricked you! sheep! how did you think it was a good idea to devote your life to something based on a group of men ranked in importance by the size of their hats?? you dult." then they can't warn their nun friends because they're not angels. no heaven=no angel...just "you're dead."
5AM-- i think i have to move my bed as my highly sensitive hearing is picking up an extremely low hum coming from somewhere in this building that makes it sound like i'm on acid. this is definitely going to pose a problem. shit it's making my back hurt thinking about it.
oh fuck. it seems i should do something like work out except that i'm scared of the lupis and the bloodclots. i hope you're all sleeping or drinking. i guess i'll sign off now. until next time my chitlins...end scene and roll credits to "Stars" by Hum Stars (link to the left is a refresher) guess i've missed the train to mars so i'll be out back counting stars.
Vote DeFranco 2008
-holy shit...the neighbor upstairs has the most annoying alarm
I've been thinking of things like what if I have lupis or a bloodclot? If someone breaks into my apartment right now...do i have enough time to grab my 9 iron (to the left of my bed) and blugeon them? Wonder if i'll ever get in a scooter accident should I wear my helmet to possibly avoid further retardation. Also, I could have sworn we just had a hurricane...
so how come the sprinklers keep coming on every 30 minutes. Why didn't the doctor just listen to me when i went for swelling of my ankle and he made me take a pregnancy test? that is a resource wasted that could have been utilized for 17 year old girls in alaska or 14 year old girls in tx.
Regardless, i lay here as hurricane Flo makes landfall, bloating me and crushing my insides, wondering about shit like what I would look like if I was skinny and how early is too early too go into work? I would get up and watch a movie but i'm kind of nervous in my delicate state after watching steel magnolias yesterday and having a complete meltdown. I'm mad I didn't get to watch my football team play due to....
is it going to rain tomorrow or can I ride the scooter? Will i ever get married and have kids that I'll smack the shit out of? Wonder what DT is doing? Wonder if Jewely is up? I've bought all new furniture in my head and rearranged it.
Now there's some sort of owl or something that sounds to me like I should call it a wipperwill. i don't know what that is but it sounds about right. I'm to the point where I'm rubbing the boogers out of my eyes because I've been up so long. I get up now in then to look out the window to see if some douche ass has knocked over my scooter tonight. (as last night)
i've been trying to figure out if i could be mayor of a small town for a few years and end up on a vp ticket. i read a story about a priest in venice who got caught in bed with a parishner's wife. it made me think about what it might be like to try and be a nun. all of that no cussing, and drinking and smoking or doing it. somebody must really convice those broads that god is really worth it. i don't get it. i think that when nuns die they get really pissed when there's no heaven just a big sign that says "HA, you wasted your life! you didn't get to do anything fun. we tricked you! sheep! how did you think it was a good idea to devote your life to something based on a group of men ranked in importance by the size of their hats?? you dult." then they can't warn their nun friends because they're not angels. no heaven=no angel...just "you're dead."
5AM-- i think i have to move my bed as my highly sensitive hearing is picking up an extremely low hum coming from somewhere in this building that makes it sound like i'm on acid. this is definitely going to pose a problem. shit it's making my back hurt thinking about it.
oh fuck. it seems i should do something like work out except that i'm scared of the lupis and the bloodclots. i hope you're all sleeping or drinking. i guess i'll sign off now. until next time my chitlins...end scene and roll credits to "Stars" by Hum Stars (link to the left is a refresher) guess i've missed the train to mars so i'll be out back counting stars.
Vote DeFranco 2008
-holy shit...the neighbor upstairs has the most annoying alarm
One cockroach tuxedo and a helmet please...
Good morning my little ninjas! Speak into my good eye!
As I write this to you I have half of an "Angelina Jolie" lip. I've had an allergic reaction today and I'noticed something now that both sides of my upper lip are swollen…it's kinda hot. I never got the injecting your lips full of ass fat and other substances to make them plump but now I kind of see it. NOW! If my bottom lip was swollen too, I'd definitely say hot. Unfortunately I just look like a character from "The Simpsons" or this bitch from the Muppets.
Now I hope this Milwaukee's Best Light and another gold from Michael Phelps will make this shit go away.
Though absent in blogography, I've been thinking of you and collecting nuggets of surreal Texified life happenings that sometimes reek of normalcy. My head made of genius is so overflowing with thoughts to share that sometimes I can't tell if I'm wearing a hat or not. Then again, I'm surrounded by people who ask me things like "you ever had beaver milk?"
I guess I'll share a little incident that happened today. I received a text message from a 310 (LA for those less traveled) number that said "HI BABY, YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!" so I responded "?" They then were kind enough to send a message back that said "Hi stranger. Sorry, wrong text!" Naturally, I responded with "No worries. What are you wearing?" Believe it or not, I got nothing. Is that any way to treat some stranger who's personal danger zone you just bombarded by calling me baby and telling me I'm almost there? Dick. Or bitch. Not only that but if you're calling me "BABY" shouldn't you know know my phone number? I'm just sayin'. I use nunchucks!
I mean like these!
Just for those of you who don't understand the extent of my ninjahood, I won't lie. The outfit came with pictorial instructions. If they didn't there's absolutely zero chance I'd be able to figure it out. Apparently, getting dressed used to be an ancient secret. It seems that lots o' people still need help.
No Words
The underwear couple. This shit goes inside the clothes guys. Inside.
Redneck belting.
I had an idea today on how to survive a nuclear (GW Bush, if you're reading this, it's pronounced New-klee-er) war. I'll wear a suit made of cockroaches. This will include a helmet with the window made of bullet-proof glass and the rest…you got it made of cockroaches. Why didn't everyone think of this? If they are the only things that can survive a nuclear holocaust, well, mother of pearl then! It's like the blackbox theory. Seems simple right. Genius.
You see that below…that's the shit storm. Here we go…
Please read this sectional rant while humming "Click, Click, Boom" by Saliva.
Calling all megatards who put magnetic bullet holes on your car. I want to take all of you people and shoot you. Shoot you with magnetic bullet holes at a constant rate for a week straight. Let's see how tough you are then. Is that why you put these on your car? Because you a bad ass muthafucka? I'll show you badass motherfucker. Bitch. Take your fucking baby on board, fake baseball through the car window, rubber human hand replica hanging out of the truck ass and bring it! You wanna know why? ASSHOLE on board here! That's why. Don't let me run into you in a dark alley. I will take your helmet off and whoop you with it.
Speaking of helmet, this guy is a nominee for the Golden Helmet award.
You know what? I found this curious too. Apparently here's how they inform the public of a sex offender here in TX I guess…
Helmet. That reminds me We should abolish the welfare system and implement a new government program. The Helmet Assistance Program. There truly are so many struggling Americans that I believe could benefit greatly from a helmet. The 18 year old, with 3 kids, who is in and out of jail but is "trying hard" to be right by getting a job selling hotdogs outside of titty bars and at the zoo. The federal judge who sues a dry cleaner for 65 million dollars for a lost pair of pants. Not only people who see Jesus or Mary on an inanimate object such as a muffin or dogshit but people who sell it on Ebay and more importantly the people who buy it. Douche nozzles who dress up like The Joker and try to rob the local cinema of "The Dark Night" movie posters. Illegal immigrants…NO HELMETS FOR YOU! At the end of the day, I think the benefits are far more sweeping than just a program to help those less fortunate or those who don't want to work.
AND YOU! NO HELMET FOR YOU!
you are not handicapped, YOU ARE FUCKING FAT! Lay off the fried squirrel and testicles! I've also never lived anyplace where things got risqué at the Wal-Mart
I mean…how does that happen? First I thought, oh my god, someone must have been kidnapped and pulled right out of their shoe as they were being shoved in the car. I just don't see someone going to Wal-Mart and getting home and realizing "Shit! Where's my shoe??!!" I guess someone was doing it and I would suspect got interrupted and left in a haste leaving the 1984 hooker shoe for the fine Christian community of Euless to gawk at.
Now, once in a while I do catch a fleeting wind of faith that there are still awesome people in the world. Yes, this is real; not from the internet. I pulled the car over to get this shot.
Well my car Lafawnduh(if you aren't familiar please vist blog entry Escape to Lost Angeles Part Uno) hit a milestone.
We celebrated with Chinese food and a beer with this guy. Yes Buttafuoco.
Oh and this guy…look closely yep. It was like taking beer from a baby. Didn't even notice his Miller Lite was gone…
So, of course, with the parting of one motor vehicle comes the birth of another. Meet Andre The Bitch Crusher.
As much as I know you want to believe I'm turning Texan, the above statement is a lie. I actually bought this!
Though yet to be named, that's my big boy! I bought it from my friend Erik, who is awesome all the time, and can kick your ass mixed martial arts style. He told me he got a motorcycle but it's really a crotch rocket (pffft) so I took the silver slayer off his hands. It hits 50 down a hill. That's enough to scare border crossers. That and Jeffrey the Jedi Squirrel who guards my cubicle.
Back to Erik…he lives in a house with a couple guys. I used their bathroom only once but please note the fancy doors under the vanity. Time saver. No need to actually "open" the doors.
Erik has also been taking Stefan the dinosaur on his travels. You don't know Stefan yet but you will and you will all be his friend on myspace. Stefan's first trip was to Chicago then Erik took him deep sea fishing in the gulf- see below.
Now that the chorus of "Barracuda" is playing in your head, stand-up and air guitar……………………………………………………………………………………..
you may now be seated.
**Sidebar- I'm currently feeding my addiction to The Olympics
Huh, looks like Kitajima just earned the title of "The Best Breast-Stroker of All-Time." (according to the announcer) I might have to dispute that claim. I've met some good ones in my day. Moving on…
Play this now and listen while continuing to read…
However society came to be a place where the underwear hanging out of the pants writing on your car window is ok, I'll never know. I think if the founding fathers were alive today they would work a helmet amendment into the constitution. I know I don't work formally as a politician but what do you say, let's shake things up. DeFranco 2008- "When meaning you mean it has a meaning."That's a great slogan. «---- PS...click the previous link for your exclusive gear...
We've never had an Italian president. I could also do what the TV says below…
When dinosaurs ruled the earth, there was no putting on of the magnetic bullets and hooker shoes and hotdogs. What have we become? Maybe we do need a renewal, nuclear holocaust…whatever. Just be sure to wear you suit made of cockroach and until next time…take care of yourself, and each other.
*DeFranco 2008* www.cafepress.com/defranco2008
As I write this to you I have half of an "Angelina Jolie" lip. I've had an allergic reaction today and I'noticed something now that both sides of my upper lip are swollen…it's kinda hot. I never got the injecting your lips full of ass fat and other substances to make them plump but now I kind of see it. NOW! If my bottom lip was swollen too, I'd definitely say hot. Unfortunately I just look like a character from "The Simpsons" or this bitch from the Muppets.
Now I hope this Milwaukee's Best Light and another gold from Michael Phelps will make this shit go away.
Though absent in blogography, I've been thinking of you and collecting nuggets of surreal Texified life happenings that sometimes reek of normalcy. My head made of genius is so overflowing with thoughts to share that sometimes I can't tell if I'm wearing a hat or not. Then again, I'm surrounded by people who ask me things like "you ever had beaver milk?"
I guess I'll share a little incident that happened today. I received a text message from a 310 (LA for those less traveled) number that said "HI BABY, YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!" so I responded "?" They then were kind enough to send a message back that said "Hi stranger. Sorry, wrong text!" Naturally, I responded with "No worries. What are you wearing?" Believe it or not, I got nothing. Is that any way to treat some stranger who's personal danger zone you just bombarded by calling me baby and telling me I'm almost there? Dick. Or bitch. Not only that but if you're calling me "BABY" shouldn't you know know my phone number? I'm just sayin'. I use nunchucks!
I mean like these!
Just for those of you who don't understand the extent of my ninjahood, I won't lie. The outfit came with pictorial instructions. If they didn't there's absolutely zero chance I'd be able to figure it out. Apparently, getting dressed used to be an ancient secret. It seems that lots o' people still need help.
No Words
The underwear couple. This shit goes inside the clothes guys. Inside.
Redneck belting.
I had an idea today on how to survive a nuclear (GW Bush, if you're reading this, it's pronounced New-klee-er) war. I'll wear a suit made of cockroaches. This will include a helmet with the window made of bullet-proof glass and the rest…you got it made of cockroaches. Why didn't everyone think of this? If they are the only things that can survive a nuclear holocaust, well, mother of pearl then! It's like the blackbox theory. Seems simple right. Genius.
You see that below…that's the shit storm. Here we go…
Please read this sectional rant while humming "Click, Click, Boom" by Saliva.
Calling all megatards who put magnetic bullet holes on your car. I want to take all of you people and shoot you. Shoot you with magnetic bullet holes at a constant rate for a week straight. Let's see how tough you are then. Is that why you put these on your car? Because you a bad ass muthafucka? I'll show you badass motherfucker. Bitch. Take your fucking baby on board, fake baseball through the car window, rubber human hand replica hanging out of the truck ass and bring it! You wanna know why? ASSHOLE on board here! That's why. Don't let me run into you in a dark alley. I will take your helmet off and whoop you with it.
Speaking of helmet, this guy is a nominee for the Golden Helmet award.
You know what? I found this curious too. Apparently here's how they inform the public of a sex offender here in TX I guess…
Helmet. That reminds me We should abolish the welfare system and implement a new government program. The Helmet Assistance Program. There truly are so many struggling Americans that I believe could benefit greatly from a helmet. The 18 year old, with 3 kids, who is in and out of jail but is "trying hard" to be right by getting a job selling hotdogs outside of titty bars and at the zoo. The federal judge who sues a dry cleaner for 65 million dollars for a lost pair of pants. Not only people who see Jesus or Mary on an inanimate object such as a muffin or dogshit but people who sell it on Ebay and more importantly the people who buy it. Douche nozzles who dress up like The Joker and try to rob the local cinema of "The Dark Night" movie posters. Illegal immigrants…NO HELMETS FOR YOU! At the end of the day, I think the benefits are far more sweeping than just a program to help those less fortunate or those who don't want to work.
AND YOU! NO HELMET FOR YOU!
you are not handicapped, YOU ARE FUCKING FAT! Lay off the fried squirrel and testicles! I've also never lived anyplace where things got risqué at the Wal-Mart
I mean…how does that happen? First I thought, oh my god, someone must have been kidnapped and pulled right out of their shoe as they were being shoved in the car. I just don't see someone going to Wal-Mart and getting home and realizing "Shit! Where's my shoe??!!" I guess someone was doing it and I would suspect got interrupted and left in a haste leaving the 1984 hooker shoe for the fine Christian community of Euless to gawk at.
Now, once in a while I do catch a fleeting wind of faith that there are still awesome people in the world. Yes, this is real; not from the internet. I pulled the car over to get this shot.
Well my car Lafawnduh(if you aren't familiar please vist blog entry Escape to Lost Angeles Part Uno) hit a milestone.
We celebrated with Chinese food and a beer with this guy. Yes Buttafuoco.
Oh and this guy…look closely yep. It was like taking beer from a baby. Didn't even notice his Miller Lite was gone…
So, of course, with the parting of one motor vehicle comes the birth of another. Meet Andre The Bitch Crusher.
As much as I know you want to believe I'm turning Texan, the above statement is a lie. I actually bought this!
Though yet to be named, that's my big boy! I bought it from my friend Erik, who is awesome all the time, and can kick your ass mixed martial arts style. He told me he got a motorcycle but it's really a crotch rocket (pffft) so I took the silver slayer off his hands. It hits 50 down a hill. That's enough to scare border crossers. That and Jeffrey the Jedi Squirrel who guards my cubicle.
Back to Erik…he lives in a house with a couple guys. I used their bathroom only once but please note the fancy doors under the vanity. Time saver. No need to actually "open" the doors.
Erik has also been taking Stefan the dinosaur on his travels. You don't know Stefan yet but you will and you will all be his friend on myspace. Stefan's first trip was to Chicago then Erik took him deep sea fishing in the gulf- see below.
Now that the chorus of "Barracuda" is playing in your head, stand-up and air guitar……………………………………………………………………………………..
you may now be seated.
**Sidebar- I'm currently feeding my addiction to The Olympics
Huh, looks like Kitajima just earned the title of "The Best Breast-Stroker of All-Time." (according to the announcer) I might have to dispute that claim. I've met some good ones in my day. Moving on…
Play this now and listen while continuing to read…
However society came to be a place where the underwear hanging out of the pants writing on your car window is ok, I'll never know. I think if the founding fathers were alive today they would work a helmet amendment into the constitution. I know I don't work formally as a politician but what do you say, let's shake things up. DeFranco 2008- "When meaning you mean it has a meaning."That's a great slogan. «---- PS...click the previous link for your exclusive gear...
We've never had an Italian president. I could also do what the TV says below…
When dinosaurs ruled the earth, there was no putting on of the magnetic bullets and hooker shoes and hotdogs. What have we become? Maybe we do need a renewal, nuclear holocaust…whatever. Just be sure to wear you suit made of cockroach and until next time…take care of yourself, and each other.
*DeFranco 2008* www.cafepress.com/defranco2008
Fasten your seatbelt, slutpuppy, this ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!- Sophia Petrillo
A lot of you knew this was coming I'm sure. My hearty tribute to one of the funniest character actresses in sitcom television of all time. Yep, Estelle Getty AKA Sophia Petrillo.
I enjoyed the Golden Girls, who I didn't realize were dirty old bitches until I was grown, as a child, BUT it helped get me through college. Thanks to Lifetime showing them 4 times a day, my roommates and I fermented a huge soft spot in the bowels of the cockles of our beer filled hearts for The Golden Girls. Marijuana + The Golden Girls = delicious hilarity
More importantly the characters. We all likened ourselves to a character in the show as there were 4 of us. Lisa was Rose. She drank the water out of tuna cans and once asked us which one was a "chex" when we were eating chex mix. Beth was Blanche. She was sexually blatant and definitely not quiet. Well then there's me who I'd say Sophia most and Jessie who unfortunately in my book got pegged as Dorothy just because she was the tallest. No other similarities.
I feel you're getting an understanding for my love of the show and the fact that most of my friends, not including the ones I've named above, do as well. Nobody made me laugh harder than Sophia. She always had her pocketbook on her arm. Even in bed. She scuttled and she was a real wise ass. Her stories, references and adjectives were side splitting. Plus, she was a good Italian with NYC charm. Sophia would slay you like a bunny with her sharp tongue, especially Blanche. Classic.
Of course, her classic "Picture it…Sicily, 19??…." stories were jocular slices to the jugular.
I still almost pee my pants watching the episode where her and Dorothy enter the Mother/Daughter talent show at Shady Pines. I know Jessie and I always loved this one
There are so many quotes I could rattle off but I'd be here all night with a tear in my beer. Feel free to share yours.
She struggled as a stage actress for 40 years until landing her role on the Golden Girls. That's love. She reminded me of my own Grandma. An Italian hard hitter who also frequently used the insult botchagaloop. (sorry about the pot thing Grandma) Well, I never did get a chance to say goodbye to her so goodbye Estelle. Thank you for being a friend.
July 25, 1923- July 22, 2008
I enjoyed the Golden Girls, who I didn't realize were dirty old bitches until I was grown, as a child, BUT it helped get me through college. Thanks to Lifetime showing them 4 times a day, my roommates and I fermented a huge soft spot in the bowels of the cockles of our beer filled hearts for The Golden Girls. Marijuana + The Golden Girls = delicious hilarity
More importantly the characters. We all likened ourselves to a character in the show as there were 4 of us. Lisa was Rose. She drank the water out of tuna cans and once asked us which one was a "chex" when we were eating chex mix. Beth was Blanche. She was sexually blatant and definitely not quiet. Well then there's me who I'd say Sophia most and Jessie who unfortunately in my book got pegged as Dorothy just because she was the tallest. No other similarities.
I feel you're getting an understanding for my love of the show and the fact that most of my friends, not including the ones I've named above, do as well. Nobody made me laugh harder than Sophia. She always had her pocketbook on her arm. Even in bed. She scuttled and she was a real wise ass. Her stories, references and adjectives were side splitting. Plus, she was a good Italian with NYC charm. Sophia would slay you like a bunny with her sharp tongue, especially Blanche. Classic.
Of course, her classic "Picture it…Sicily, 19??…." stories were jocular slices to the jugular.
I still almost pee my pants watching the episode where her and Dorothy enter the Mother/Daughter talent show at Shady Pines. I know Jessie and I always loved this one
There are so many quotes I could rattle off but I'd be here all night with a tear in my beer. Feel free to share yours.
She struggled as a stage actress for 40 years until landing her role on the Golden Girls. That's love. She reminded me of my own Grandma. An Italian hard hitter who also frequently used the insult botchagaloop. (sorry about the pot thing Grandma) Well, I never did get a chance to say goodbye to her so goodbye Estelle. Thank you for being a friend.
July 25, 1923- July 22, 2008
Ode to YER MOM and M8KNOYS
The unthinkable (I always thought anyway) has happened. For 8 years (this past May), she was by my side, my losses, my wins, my journeys and kept me good company, my troubles and things I don't even remember. That's right, the car most recently known as yer mom.
I always thought and boastfully shared "I'll be buried in that bitch." In case you…yeah you, still have no idea what I'm talking about…I'm speaking of my 1995 Jeep Wrangler. She's gone.
Here's apparently what a picture of my soul looks like these days.
After the new owner, who seems of nice sorts along with his pregnant wife, drove away, I ran inside and had a meltdown. The kind a kid has when they don't get the toy they yearned for in the happy meal. As it continued uncontrollably my inner monologue was ripping me a new asshole and taunting me ridiculously saying "are you fucking kidding me you retarded loser, it's a goddamn car. Pull it together for crying out loud." Although I was mourning I also was realizing that I was embarrassed and I live alone. I'm glad I could share that with you. My real top 2 embarrassing moments involve a toilet in a Richmond, VA salon and the other a Summer college class at NOVA and busting ass. Now, back to the buyers…you're probably thinking what I am….Wrangler…perfect baby car.
Many of you have had the pleasure whether she was M8KNOYS in VA, the standard in CA or the YER MOM of TX. From Maine to Tennessee and CA to TX, from Tim Burgess of The Charlatans UK to "clipping" the ambulance on the Sunset Strip after the Xmas party…Jada(her real name)/M8KNOYS/YER MOM served me well and never left me stranded. Only once, shortly after I got her, I lost her after the Kiss concert but it wasn't her fault. I found her and fucked off through some ditches to avoid waiting in traffic out of Nissan Pavilion. Not the best way to avoid attention of Virginia's finest ham but, thanks to a few thousand other cars we were on our way to 7-Eleven for the traditional post concert hotdog, Super Big Gulp and slim jim.
I felt a few words were necessary as she was part of you all too. Let's raise a glass…Tullamore Dew for me please. Cheers, mama love you boo!
Please imagine the following is a slide show and during the montage a medly of "Time of My Life" by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes from the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack and "I Will Always Love You," not the crackhead version by Whitney, but the original by Dolly Parton is playing. Sigh.....Please feel free to share any stories...sigh
Keeping it real
Never took my VA stickers off...rocked the expired '02 Loudoun seal. Roots.
Hollywood...street parking sucks
Fun fact...I got a flat and that's the spare on the back left...yes the spare that has the nail in it from Vegas...2 years ago. I'm very responsible.
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