Caution...herpes, ginger kids and self defeat ahead. On a serious Tip

So, I've been doing a lot more "single" things lately like eating out alone rather than ordering in. This way I can still get "all you can eat." Single things also include not often wearing clothes in the house(careful for splatter while cooking), losing the kitchen counter beneath beer cans and fast food bags in less than a weekend, the reliability that your laptop will always be right next to you in the morning and like Liz Lemon…fearing death by choking on a tv dinner with little chance of being found for days.

Tonight…case and point. I got a mailer for a Sushi/beer happy hour. I left work and hauled ass to make it in time. I walked in, looked around and realized….no place called "Oriental Lite" is a place where I should eat sushi. This said, I got a beer and ordered a couple of pieces to try. It wasn't too bad but I needed a better scene. SO here I go to Genki Sushi which not only has a conveyor belt that brings sushi right in front of you but has that awesome reminder view of bally's total fitness.



The conveyor belt gets dangerous. Grabbing things as they go by and more than one because you don't want the good shit to get away. I almost actually stood up and jumped to grab some Red Snapper from the inner loop(yeah, like the beltway. If you don't know what that is…it's as dumb as TX) after I realized it had passed.

As the single guy who was dining alone when I arrived was leaving, a new single girl was coming in. not the kind you really have a lot of room to wonder why. You know, the kind that wears a gold initial necklace of their first name in cursive?




I already know what her house looks like. Fake floral arrangements, ugly throw rugs and patterned furniture like your parents would buy. She has never masturbated ever. She belongs to groups with the word "Sisterhood" in the title and her mother is her best friend. For fun, she helps people at work. Mid to late thirties, unavoidable double chin and a stomach churning fear I'm headed in this direction.

The single guy who left…lazy. Not a drinker, way too into sports with his friends and completely scared of girls. He definitely masturbates. He's also a ginger kid. This is one of the most unappealing qualities out there. I'm not sure what his house is like but the thought of having children with him is extremely unappealing. Even by accident. I'm not sure that accident would ever happen though, he seems careful. Like the guy who drives a Hyundai because his mother tells him it's the safest and his dad gets him with the economic practicality of a methmobile. I call it a methmobile because once when MY mother tried to convince me to get a Hyundai, in addition to the above reasons, she also tried "Hyundais are the top selling cars now, they even outsell Toyotas now." I replied, "Well, meth is the top selling drug and made in a bathtub too but that doesn't mean I'm going to buy it."


Now, I don't know what it is with the gingers lately but I got attacked by an old ginger man the other night. I decided to play a few games of NTN buzztime and this guy a seat away kept making conversation. This was fine until he moved over a chair and was way too close and entering my back the fuck up zone. He then actually picked up my phone and opened it and asked "any good pictures?" no I said, as I looked at him in horror. As I turn to look at the screen he says "NOW YOU DO! Ahahahaha" and I get this…




I mean really…are you fucking kidding me?? Needless to say I left. Amazingly I did so without threatening violence, insulting his mother or kicking him in the titty. I think it was that…"wow. Really? Is this all I get" feeling? I think I actually came close to curling into a ball and thinking "holy jesus and buttermilk biscuits…maybe those fucking nuns had it right. maybe I should have paid attention to that finding of the god" and running out to the store and getting this…

"The Idiots Guide To The Last Days"



Play this and read the next paragraph while listening




I was driving home and contemplating when that new shitty Killers song came on but it got me with "cut the cord." As I'm realizing I need to do so with all of my inhibitions I've seemed to re-develop, I was realizing how boring I've become. An allusion of an illusion of my delusion. Or an illusion of allusion….it all works really. I guess I just have to realize is that none of it matters once you cut the cord. Not where you are, what you do, who you wake up with or what you ate for lunch. Now…the herpes…that might get you but thanfully i'm a herpe resistant ninja. Looking back to the past for moments of clarity is pointless. If the past were meant to be, it would be the present. I need to realize that I know when I'll get there. If it happens to be somewhere I've been before, I guess I just wasn't supposed to be there the first time. For that slight moment where I felt pity for my plight reality slapped me. I do not wear a gold cursive "K" necklace. Things are going to be juuuuuuust fine. Plus, I definitely masturbate. Roll credits and allow "Handlebars" by Flobots continue to play.