As I write this to you I have half of an "Angelina Jolie" lip. I've had an allergic reaction today and I'noticed something now that both sides of my upper lip are swollen…it's kinda hot. I never got the injecting your lips full of ass fat and other substances to make them plump but now I kind of see it. NOW! If my bottom lip was swollen too, I'd definitely say hot. Unfortunately I just look like a character from "The Simpsons" or this bitch from the Muppets.
Now I hope this Milwaukee's Best Light and another gold from Michael Phelps will make this shit go away.
Though absent in blogography, I've been thinking of you and collecting nuggets of surreal Texified life happenings that sometimes reek of normalcy. My head made of genius is so overflowing with thoughts to share that sometimes I can't tell if I'm wearing a hat or not. Then again, I'm surrounded by people who ask me things like "you ever had beaver milk?"
I guess I'll share a little incident that happened today. I received a text message from a 310 (LA for those less traveled) number that said "HI BABY, YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!" so I responded "?" They then were kind enough to send a message back that said "Hi stranger. Sorry, wrong text!" Naturally, I responded with "No worries. What are you wearing?" Believe it or not, I got nothing. Is that any way to treat some stranger who's personal danger zone you just bombarded by calling me baby and telling me I'm almost there? Dick. Or bitch. Not only that but if you're calling me "BABY" shouldn't you know know my phone number? I'm just sayin'. I use nunchucks!
I mean like these!
Just for those of you who don't understand the extent of my ninjahood, I won't lie. The outfit came with pictorial instructions. If they didn't there's absolutely zero chance I'd be able to figure it out. Apparently, getting dressed used to be an ancient secret. It seems that lots o' people still need help.
No Words
The underwear couple. This shit goes inside the clothes guys. Inside.
Redneck belting.
I had an idea today on how to survive a nuclear (GW Bush, if you're reading this, it's pronounced New-klee-er) war. I'll wear a suit made of cockroaches. This will include a helmet with the window made of bullet-proof glass and the rest…you got it made of cockroaches. Why didn't everyone think of this? If they are the only things that can survive a nuclear holocaust, well, mother of pearl then! It's like the blackbox theory. Seems simple right. Genius.
You see that below…that's the shit storm. Here we go…
Please read this sectional rant while humming "Click, Click, Boom" by Saliva.
Calling all megatards who put magnetic bullet holes on your car. I want to take all of you people and shoot you. Shoot you with magnetic bullet holes at a constant rate for a week straight. Let's see how tough you are then. Is that why you put these on your car? Because you a bad ass muthafucka? I'll show you badass motherfucker. Bitch. Take your fucking baby on board, fake baseball through the car window, rubber human hand replica hanging out of the truck ass and bring it! You wanna know why? ASSHOLE on board here! That's why. Don't let me run into you in a dark alley. I will take your helmet off and whoop you with it.
Speaking of helmet, this guy is a nominee for the Golden Helmet award.
You know what? I found this curious too. Apparently here's how they inform the public of a sex offender here in TX I guess…
Helmet. That reminds me We should abolish the welfare system and implement a new government program. The Helmet Assistance Program. There truly are so many struggling Americans that I believe could benefit greatly from a helmet. The 18 year old, with 3 kids, who is in and out of jail but is "trying hard" to be right by getting a job selling hotdogs outside of titty bars and at the zoo. The federal judge who sues a dry cleaner for 65 million dollars for a lost pair of pants. Not only people who see Jesus or Mary on an inanimate object such as a muffin or dogshit but people who sell it on Ebay and more importantly the people who buy it. Douche nozzles who dress up like The Joker and try to rob the local cinema of "The Dark Night" movie posters. Illegal immigrants…NO HELMETS FOR YOU! At the end of the day, I think the benefits are far more sweeping than just a program to help those less fortunate or those who don't want to work.
AND YOU! NO HELMET FOR YOU!
you are not handicapped, YOU ARE FUCKING FAT! Lay off the fried squirrel and testicles! I've also never lived anyplace where things got risqué at the Wal-Mart
I mean…how does that happen? First I thought, oh my god, someone must have been kidnapped and pulled right out of their shoe as they were being shoved in the car. I just don't see someone going to Wal-Mart and getting home and realizing "Shit! Where's my shoe??!!" I guess someone was doing it and I would suspect got interrupted and left in a haste leaving the 1984 hooker shoe for the fine Christian community of Euless to gawk at.
Now, once in a while I do catch a fleeting wind of faith that there are still awesome people in the world. Yes, this is real; not from the internet. I pulled the car over to get this shot.
Well my car Lafawnduh(if you aren't familiar please vist blog entry Escape to Lost Angeles Part Uno) hit a milestone.
We celebrated with Chinese food and a beer with this guy. Yes Buttafuoco.
Oh and this guy…look closely yep. It was like taking beer from a baby. Didn't even notice his Miller Lite was gone…
So, of course, with the parting of one motor vehicle comes the birth of another. Meet Andre The Bitch Crusher.
As much as I know you want to believe I'm turning Texan, the above statement is a lie. I actually bought this!
Though yet to be named, that's my big boy! I bought it from my friend Erik, who is awesome all the time, and can kick your ass mixed martial arts style. He told me he got a motorcycle but it's really a crotch rocket (pffft) so I took the silver slayer off his hands. It hits 50 down a hill. That's enough to scare border crossers. That and Jeffrey the Jedi Squirrel who guards my cubicle.
Back to Erik…he lives in a house with a couple guys. I used their bathroom only once but please note the fancy doors under the vanity. Time saver. No need to actually "open" the doors.
Erik has also been taking Stefan the dinosaur on his travels. You don't know Stefan yet but you will and you will all be his friend on myspace. Stefan's first trip was to Chicago then Erik took him deep sea fishing in the gulf- see below.
Now that the chorus of "Barracuda" is playing in your head, stand-up and air guitar……………………………………………………………………………………..
you may now be seated.
**Sidebar- I'm currently feeding my addiction to The Olympics
Huh, looks like Kitajima just earned the title of "The Best Breast-Stroker of All-Time." (according to the announcer) I might have to dispute that claim. I've met some good ones in my day. Moving on…
Play this now and listen while continuing to read…
However society came to be a place where the underwear hanging out of the pants writing on your car window is ok, I'll never know. I think if the founding fathers were alive today they would work a helmet amendment into the constitution. I know I don't work formally as a politician but what do you say, let's shake things up. DeFranco 2008- "When meaning you mean it has a meaning."That's a great slogan. «---- PS...click the previous link for your exclusive gear...
We've never had an Italian president. I could also do what the TV says below…
When dinosaurs ruled the earth, there was no putting on of the magnetic bullets and hooker shoes and hotdogs. What have we become? Maybe we do need a renewal, nuclear holocaust…whatever. Just be sure to wear you suit made of cockroach and until next time…take care of yourself, and each other.
*DeFranco 2008* www.cafepress.com/defranco2008
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