Idiot’s Guide to unsucking the suck

In my life I'm realizing what I do couldn't prove to be more useless to the world unless I was a hushpuppy or George Bush…ironically enough which bear a striking resemblance to each other. Oh, maybe I got that mixed up.






I often drift off into a state of denial. It's awesome there. I totally want to be governor of that state. I pretend that I'm hot and have visions of doing karate with monkeys and base jumping off cliffs. It's the fucking greatest state ever. State flower, cauliflower ear. State plant, cannabis. State bird, pterodactyl, state song, Because I'm awesome by the Dollyrots.



The state flag, a pop-art picture of a '68 Camero. In parades we throw out money and condoms. You are able to give hugs to giraffes and penguins here too. It's the best.

Anyway, I mean I just couldn't feel more useless in the world at this particular time. I provide laughs and if you don't suck, sometimes love. I'm not sure that's my fair share. I don't remember saying "when I grow up I want to work in a cubicle with buzzing fluorescent lights whining like a child above my head and wear poly blend business suits. I want the biggest inbox ever and I really want to fuck with spreadsheets. I hope I get to answer stupid questions and endure back pain due to my sitting arrangement. Where do I sign up?" there's no way this is better than a rockstar, astronaut, comedienne, teacher, politician.



Yesterday, I was daydreaming in the line at the grocery store. I caught myself tapping my foot to "living on a prayer" which was playing loudly over the loud speaker. Subconsciously I focused in on a midget. I've never seen a Texas midget. Right around that time I'm slowly breaking out of the daze due to zeroing in on that guy and some asshole kid yells, "did you see that?! It was a midget! He was like this tall!" inidicating with his hand that the midget fellow was shorter than the was. This was simply not true…just around this time I glanced to the left and noted the patron behind me was reading this….yes really... "the idiots guide to getting owning a cat."



A) If you don't know how to get a cat, what DO you know how to do?
B) Cat's take care of themselves asshat so what exactly are you learning?

I've never quite been in a place like that. I swore I was in a parallel universe. Everything was moving slowly and I had a big shit eating grin on my face. That always scares people. Then they start making conjectures about me like "I bet she talks to herself." (which I do) when did it become officially crazy for a person to laugh to themselves anyway? I'm not in hysterics, just smiling fondly. I left wondering if I was dead or in a co-directed movie by David Lynch and Woody Allen.

*sidebar…the bitch in front of me had bad grocery etiquette. I don't understand how fucking hard it is for people in front of you to realize it's their job to put the separator down! It's like a 4 way stop sign…it's not that fucking complicated. I mean I know she was busy purchasing ho-hos and cheetos and southern milk(mountain dew) for her spawn but pay attention.

I've found that after a night of drinking, when I wake up and still have a buzz, naturally I get a 44oz. cherry coke, 22 oz. coffee, starbucks bottled mocha frappacino and like any twin peaks loving individual...a jelly doughnut. I've found that I like to drink a lot. If Saturday, I watch a cartoon where dinosaurs can talk. here are some other things i like

artificially flavored banana things...especially laffy taffy
irish cream by international delights
brushing my teeth in the shower
old bay seasoning on my potatoes
blue jolly ranchers
a glass of water at bedside
eating lunchmeat and slices of provolone for meals
pooping at home(public is not an option and i'm not talking the sidewalk or anything)
buffalo wing sauce on nearly everything
*time out...whatever cartoon, the sushi pack, or whatever it is just had a killer jelly doughnut that squirted it's jelly at them to slay them. all signs are leading me back to twin peaks.* game on
turtles and penguins
technology
the ambidextrious ability i have

since i've shared some of my darkest nuggets of like...here are some things i don't like

stepping in wetness in my socks(this evokes 30 seconds of rage and a stream of swearing)
the smell of garbage
cleaning
when people don't put the separater down on the grocery conveyor belt(this has been mentioned in other blogs)
snail mail
gnats
being really hungry and dropping my food on the floor(again...30 seconds of rage)
people who don't use their directional turn signals
when someone assumes i speak spanish
dropping my eating utinsil(fork, spoon, knife) in the food and then touching it and getting food on my hand
lying

*maybe when i get to know you better i'll share more. that was heavy shit for me.

The other night, i went to the restroom of bw3's. i accidentally stepped on the lady's shoe ahead of me so i apologized to which her companion(who was her daughter) turned around and said "we're just switching shirts." um...ok. she offered that information like i sensed there was something oddball going on and she needed to rattle off something to make the moment less uncomfortable. *time out...i just found out i'm watching kewlopolis. naturally i'm drawn to all things kewl. the talking dinosaurs. they can tell you where to find jesus...and yoga. not yoda...yoga. also i think it's weird that for a kid's program they spell cool like a drug addict raver glow stick kid. what the fuck or in "kewl talk" wtf?* game on...so as i'm in my stall piddling those 2 are in the handistall offering up the olympics of "that's what she said" opportunities. "your hands are cold." "oh this feels great." "i hope it's not too big." things i never thought i'd be hearing in a bathroom of a bar in tx on a friday night. weird. apparently the show is called dino squad. the segment of saturday morning cartoons, which are fucking lame....god all the good ones are on sunday nights these days...

I've found that I really enjoy dum-dums. As of late they've tried to get fancy and become what starbuck's is to dunkin' doughnuts and have flavors like mango and coconut and bubble gum. I prefer the old school. Rootbeer, cherry et al. There's nothing like unwrapping a dum-dum and giving it a good look before sucking it away. It's surface is all retarded like the factory workers put the wrapper .. it was actually hardened leaving imprints of wrinkles. I just find nothing like a good dum-dum. I've just had 2 in 20 minutes. This is becoming somewhat of an addiction like I developed for twin peaks and consequently jelly doughnuts and coffee.(both of which I enjoyed before but is now a product of character obsession) I just decided to try a fancy dum-dum…it's cotton candy flavored. Straight to the trash.

I took a nasty spill. One of my own infliction and lack of grace and as I smelled the skin from my knees burning on the turf, I was kind of in shock but decided it was best to get up and laugh too.




Then I got to thinking, I wonder how much skin and blood is on this field…I mean, how do you wash Astroturf? I fear there may be so much DNA on that field that new life forms will spawn. The sexes and the races will all mix into one spontaneously creating a new species. Like they did in America. Weird. Either way I cannot possibly express with words the pain and suffering that ensued for the next 2 days. I wouldn't wish it on most. I hope my liver regenerates this well one day. Though i have scars, I can always make up cool stories.

Something weird happened recently on more than one account really. One thing is I went to the mall, I haven't been to one in at least a year and was reminded why. Terrible F. As I got on the escalator I glanced down to see santa and the kids waiting in line. I think my heart smiled for a second. It was then I thought to myself…I'm really missing something in my life quickly shifting my thoughts to Role Models which I was going to see.(without my friend Jenn with whom I'd promised to attend) It wasn't until later when I had to return some items at the library everything changed once again. This happened when a little asshole kid went darting between people, objects and electrons yelling out some ridiculous bullshit and began swinging around the flagpole. Immediately I thought great, this kid is going to get caught by his neck in the flagpole rope and I'm going to have to witness a death. I'm going to be scarred because of this kid. This is bullshit I thought. I then decided it best not to turn around and just continue to the car. It was also around this time I caught a wiff of some car exhaust which was for some reason refreshing. That happens with me and the smell of gas sometimes. It was around then that not my heart but my face smiled and I knew everything was right in the world. After all, I had a ham sandwich waiting for me at home with some kettle cooked chips. Fucking a.

I also learned some things last weekend. My Aunt doesn't like to eat with her hands and likes to use the word regalia. Interesting but mostly amazing for a lady who sometimes puts her pants on backwards and finds the rodeo "exhilarating." I don't look as good as the brothas with a hair pick either I learned.



Fat Albert is real. I go to a bar sometimes(but never again...different blog) with my friend Jenn who is awesome x's 10 and watch bands. I'm just saying...case and point.



Some people reaaaaaally like their TV shows or are traveling with massive amounts of narcotics in their cars and trying to create a distraction...



and some jokes will never get old



Please play this track and read the next paragraph...not only are the words describe my life now...except the Julie part..but a little it does. it's my special song for my special Jewely who is the awesomest.



Life is starting to freak me out and all the people in it. I mean, how the times have changed…I didn't know it was customary to get called "jew nose" for turning someone down in a bar. Who steals a jacket at a piano bar? I'm disenchanted I suppose. I guess I'll just keep watching cartoons and learning lessons. you're listening to"Hey Julie" by Fountains of Wayne because you better have clicked on it. Also, be sure to realize they're in a commercial for LL bean flicker..."the snow is falling down on our new england town." valley winter song...off of a great record. Either way I got soul but I'm not a soldier. I'll make it. however, I want you to end scene and roll credits to this one.




Sigh.