Up and at em asshole! (that's me) Checked out of my fancy hotel, to the nearest gas station..bought a bottled water (which I appropriately left on the ground next to the gas pump) and off I went. Off to another brilliant start..a special Olympic start.
7:15AM
Set my vibe with a little JT Futuresex/lovesounds...oh sweet Justin! Then nothing for a while cept this.
I thought I had seen all the beauty and wonder there was to see after I hit Meteor City..
BOY WAS I WRONG!
Although there are no dinosaurs abounding near Flagstaff there certainly were plenty near Holbrook, AZ. See insert.
I was very struck by this amazingly life like replica of "Dino eating man."
sidenote:
I also realized something about Indians/Native Americans or what have we these days. The tribes seem to get all up in arms over mascot use etc. but have absolutely NO shame with giant gawdy fake teepees, giant billboards and life size dolls of Indian children on the side of the road to entice travelers into pulling over to INDIAN CITY. REAL NAVAJO BLANKETS. REAL INDIAN BEADS. PETRIFIED WOOD. Hmmm..what do you think. Cast your vote at WWW.CNN.COM
Finally time for breakfast so I stopped in Gallup, NM..where I couldn't find any of the restaurants listed on the signs so guess what I had for breakfast..you got it, Taco Bell. Awesome.
Back on the road and pop in a mix cd Gaff made me. First track, "secret song!" As I headed towards Albuquerque into the beautiful yonder of this
the music starts playing and I hear this..
that's right..the Laverne & Shirley theme song. Perrrrrfect, "we're gonna do it!"
Singing, smoking and frappacino drinkin' my way along the highway to scenes like this
I stopped for gas near Santa Rosa. See, I actually thought I was in SR but apparently not. I finally found the 1 gas station to fill up and relieve myself. It was pretty classy. Note the bathroom shot below.
nice..
After a shitload of cramping and driving and trying to go 90mph downhill, so that when I head up one I can stay above 70, I reached mmmmmmmm the state of Texas. Wahoo Wahoo. (Ben Stein Voice)
Honestly..what kind of shitty welcome is this?
I booed. Aloud.
I also now understand the phrase "as big as the TX sky." It's all you can see because there ain't shit else. Flat nothing.
As I drove along I realized it smells like poop a lot. I'm not good with smells. In a panic to keep from vomiting I yanked my vanilla x-mas tree air freshner and jammed it straight under my nose to kill the rank of the manure areas. Kinda like this guy..
Now that I was in TX I was under the dumbass assumption I was close. I began to see these signs every 10 feet (much like the South of The Border billboards in SC for anyone familiar) for a place call The Big Texan in Amarillo. This place sounds like heaven..free 72 ounce steaks if you can eat it and free limos. The sign for fried rattlesnake wasn't really the selling point for me.
I stopped in Amarillo for gas and as I was pumping saw a pick up cross the overpass and what happened..that motherfucker had the Dixie call as the horn. You know, the horn the General Lee has on The Dukes of Hazzard? If you don't know what I mean, check this.
http://www.hazzardretreat.com/sounds/dixiehorn_yell.wav
SOOOOOOOoooo..I kept driving, singing and smoking as night covered the day again. Pumping myself with caffeine and nicotine. I figured if I was holding a stick that was on fire it would help me to focus.
It was town after town of the exact same shit. I did pass through a village/hamlet with a torturous name as all I wanted to do was go to bed...
Finally after 18 hours of driving I was in dallas. Here I am I've arrived. What now, who knows. Stay tuned for the next installation of "now I'm in TX!" Roll end credits to "All My ex's Live In Texas,"
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment