My new official TX plates…
shocking I know, I'm usually so cosmopolitan and classy. Like how when I'm low on munchies I'll eat tums…mmmm, fruity or maybe like the time after the Landwirt Wine Festival I was breaking into my own house and fell off the cooler severely damaging myself on the built in flower window box? Keeping the ass in class since 1978.
All I can tell you is that I really do still think I'm blending in…even if I drive to work everyday dressed up like a chump, singing at the top of my lungs while driving a car that says "yer mom" on the plates. I'm like camouflage.
I also attended my first ho down/graveyard honky tonk. If ANYTHING, I just looked like a Miller Lite in a cooler full of Budweiser. I can roll. I mean, I don't know all the slang yet or anything but I think the people, they liked me. Everyone likes me. Except:
**i*n
J**l**
**y*
A***R
***y
Gi*a
L*l*
M*nn*
V******T
T*r**
M*m
But that's it. So anyway back to the gala…I went with my friend to her family ho down/reunion/honky tonk. It was full of amazing fun people who like beer and bands that play Bob Seger(booo), Lynyrd Skynyrd and your classic Van Morrison hits. The band was called Hog's Leg. Awesome.
We rode to the event in a 5 person car packed with 7 people…all family except me. Birds in the front, chicks in the back. Pretty funny people but I must admit…for the first 20 of the ride, I just laughed when they laughed until I caught on.
Well we got there and man for somehow being there gave me beer drinking super powers. You may say but Kim, you already possess these powers. No, this was like schnicky schnicky schneye x-men wolverine shit. Below is a pic from inside.
now that you're feeling the vibe. We all gotta get together and have one of these things…you'll love it. Eventually the "enter town name here" police showed up and shook that shit down. (I seriously have no idea where I was)
While officer Pigfucker Noise Violation No Fun was making everyone leave I snuck me a picture.
So we left and rallied in a parking lot after which we headed to the graveyard. There we hung around the other family, continued to imbibe and play music by headlight. I gotta be honest, there was something kind of comfortable about it. There's just something about drinking and singing Skid Row songs to utter and complete strangers. In a graveyard. FUCK YOU don't judge!
Timeout from this blog…I seriously have a fever. Not the kind that can be cured with more cowbell. Bloody fucking hell. I'll report back when I'm well.
This message was brought to you by partnership for a douche free America. Enter Emergency broadcast noise here. Please enjoy this image provided by the network until further instructions. BBooooooooooooooop!
OK children, I'm back. I was beaten down by the sickness. I am back with some lessons however…
1. I am not invincible no matter how much schnicky schnicky schneye I use
2. I met the man who fathered all retarded children in this world
3. I have no idea what I'm doing. Just what I want.
4. People DO bring babies to the bar.
5. Beware of truthful people you think you've found.(I learned this pretty good in LA)
6. I have an irrational fear of pooping in public.
7. I've been a lot of things…to quote the great band Too Much Joy…"I've been a butcher, I've been a baker, I have been a book maker, I have skippered clipper ships and dug for undertakers" Truly I have been:
-A chicken feed factory Security guard
-A Radio DJ
-A substitute teacher
-A coach
-A sandwich maker
-A pizza maker
-A server
-A comedian
-A front woman for bands
-A marketing asst. for an energy publication that printed daily indices for gas and oil prices and cover "gas/oil" news
-A record store worker
-A special events coordinator for a Hollywood nightclub
-A(n) administrative coordinator for a Hollywood nightclub
-A Tower sunset video store worker
-A freelance music supervisor for a surf and skate co.
-A band management assistant
-A ray of sunshine
-A marketing coordinator at an online start-up
-A sales & marketing asst. for a record label
-A dept. asst. in music publishing/licensing
-A marketing director at a Beverly hills mortgage firm and now…
A VIP concierge.
Seriously. Can someone parse this out for me. That's not pig latin it's real latin. I have NO idea what this all means. Anyone…all suggestions are welcome. I left asshole (yet I'm overflowing with love) out because if you're reading this, you already know that.
(holy jeebus dear lord I just found the Too Much Joy vid on youtube, BUT here is the song live…straight outta the 90's and it looks eerily like the 9:30 club. If you don't know what that is look it up fucker. I'm sick of posting links.
MEN- let's get to the topic of men. The last guy I met and had a twinkle of interest in earned, and I mean earned…8 strikes. First thing I see tats…hot ass tats. Then we start talking.
Strikes
1. He got out of jail last week for possession.
2. He's 22.
3. He's had a dishonorable discharge.
4. He didn't know the kid was his until it was 8 months.
5. After I saw him last night…he had 2 more beers at the bar then 12 more and some blunts at his friend's house.
6. His Grandma stopped by his house and found that he had left 5 candles burning when he went to work and almost burned the house down.
7. His friend's car window got punched out the other night b.c someone was mad at him and he was sitting on the passenger's side.
8. He's had multiple priors for fighting.
*oh crap…I just wrote a new song called "starter wife" Coming soon to a record near you.
I got all this info in less than 20. All I wanted to do was go and I was so turned off I didn't even want to flick the bean. Rare occasion. Please play the song "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" in you head here. Please view video below and if you're interested in the lyrics…click the other link sally.
Is this a Kim thing…I mean is this me or is this the people around me. I just need some confirmation here. Does this apply to "it's me, not you?"
Well last night me and my pal Allison hit our favorite Euless hotspot…Pockets. I've mentioned this place before. This is not a restaurant, it's strictly a poolhall/bar. This is what I saw there. Um sir, you have A BABY IN THE BAR!
Um sir, your baby has your baby in the bar. I know the shuffleboard is important, I just wanted to let you know.
These pictures were taken at 10:15PM. I can't EVEN get into the boyfriends we played pool with all night. At least my guy didn't have a tattoo across his chest that said "white pride" with his Mother's name tattooed right under it. I can also not tell you how long my pool partner tried to entice me with his "own truck and a keg of beer at the house." I guess our little Kimmy's all grown up. I regret I didn't get any snapshots.
I know that this has nothing to do with anything but this could be therapeutic for me to put this in a blog. I will admit this. I've known it for a while but it's time to confront the issue. I totally have an IRRATIONAL fear of pooping in public. I can't get over it and it won't happen. I man my purse with diarrhea medicine just in case I feel a rumble. Sometimes I bet it's just my stomach growling and I take one anyway just to cover my bases. Can't poop at all in public.
SO back to TX…
I still see these RIDICULOUS window paintings wherever I go! FUCK…I saw one the other day that said "class of 2016 here we come." Are you fucking kidding me??! Who can be that proud. Oh wait, Texans, that's who. Check these…
It's hard to see but it says "honk if your country" A) nice spelling B) I know I was on the highway taking pictures in the rain. Not that safe.
mmmmmkay.
Hearts…awesome.
Rock you like a hurricane.
OK…so these next pics made me feel I took an accidental left turn and ended up back in my LA hood.
I was like…when did Magic Don Juan, the renowned Hollywood pimp come to Addison TX? I tried to find that pic of his classic green car that we all know and love but I couldn't…here's his website though. Amazing.
The Bischop Don Juan Pimpity Pimpster
Nothing I love more than an afro with a pick in it.
Here are a couple of other peculiar things I've seen laying around.
I would imagine that Jesus would disagree. Which brings me to my next photo…
The cowboy who worked at the Nissan dealership.
This just makes me laugh. Summer bush was also on sale.
Brilliant slogan.
I have a couple of new quotes of the day…one:
"look at that motherfucker, he looks like he just fell out of a computer"
-my chili's friend Les who was completely annoyed(as was I) by the mostly retarded guy to my right who kept telling me he hates all Europeans in the NBA(he fathered all retarded children) that's just the tip of the iceberg. I mean I love to talk sports but holy fucking hell NO YOU WEIRD ASSHOLE! I DON'T remember that Illinois game from 1994.
"You have to be aggressive and on the attack, because if not…you'll get attacked."
- ceo over a conference call this morning to the sales guys about selling audio/home theatre equipment. I laughed hard. I've never seen a sales guy get attacked for NOT selling a customer something.
Yeah this one has turned out pretty random but so are my days. End scene and roll credits to "I don't know Much" duet by Linda Ronstat and Aaron Neville. I do know I love you.
-PS…drum roll….please….YEAH I SAID IT (yeahisaidit.net) is on the way. HOT logo in the works. I know you'll all rock the shirts. WHY? BECAUSE you're WAY cooler than me. Bye fuckers. AND THANK YOU for all of your votes and thoughts. You are us and we are you so thanks. Offend everyone and have a nice day.
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