So Now I'm in TX....

We're going to start this differently... pretend "Life is a highway" by Tom Cochran is playing the entire time you read this.
The day after I arrived my roommate/fellow jackass had to go to GA to deal with wedding (I know, what a moron) plans. This means I had the place to myself and a map. When I say myself I mean me and Charlie, who I affectionately call Chuck.





he's mildly retarded and has velociraptor nails. For velociraptor see insert. He's definitely not good at pooping in the grass…always ends up on the patio baking in the hot TX sun.





I promptly got into a Texasly routine of sitting around in my pj's, eating… drinking coffee and beer and watching court tv & a&e. worked cigarettes into that diet too.

I finally decided to leave the house. (in doing so I discovered the small mammal sized mosquitoes, If you run into one it's like walking into a spiderweb) First things first…the grocery store.

I noticed a few key details in the way they say thangs down here vs. most other places. For instance…in the aisle where all the international foods are…you know Hispanic, Indian(dots not feathers), Asian etc…well, here's what we have…this one's for you Mr. Roboto





I get verbally bitch slapped if I say that shit…not KROGER!They're all…DAMN THE MAN! I proceeded until I came to this aisle…





I thought ahhhhh…finally, someone gets it…





actually not quite what they meant. Take your own guess.

I can tell you that to the local folk Wal-Mart is the holy land and each store is bigger than any fucking Costco and or 60,000 plus sports arena. It's scary. Also, avoid falling into fits of laughter if your're nearing the check-out clerk in line, they take it very personally. AND whatever you do, don't make eye contact but be sure to tell them to have a good day…or you may get this:





you don't want that. Yeah that's me(roll Daniel powter had a bad day song here…record scratch! I mean whiplash by metallica)

So…so far, aside from lack of acceptable sushi restaurants, and an abundance of places with names like Po' Melvins, I am shocked and saddened by no trader joe's or ANYTHING remotely like it. The finer foods here end in "er's" and almost everything has a drive thru. The kitchen at home was also stocked with plenty of this when I arrived…





yeah, not gonna happen flo! Keep yer grits to yerself.

I'm gently am entering the adjustment period as to not completely throw my system into shock. I do like the pace and starting to like the place. I'm thinking I'll be here in no time…





not so much of a blogger but this is kind of fun. I'll keep you posted if I hit any steer, acquire any firearms, give birth or eat the testicles of some farm animal. Got some interviews, we'll see. Cheers! Roll end credits and enter "break my stride" by matthew wilder...c'mon all together now! AIN'T NOTHING GONNA BREAK MY STRIDE, NOBODY GONNA SLOW ME DOWN....


OH..no shit..I'm not kidding...I just saw a commercial for the news at 4 and the newcaster said "parents, heavy metal music and your kids, no need to worry. Why new studies say it MIGHT be good for them. More at 4." Are you fucking kidding me? we're still on this???