I want to start by letting you know that we missed Kelli's birthday.
Also, in addition to leaving your number on the wall in the bathroom I guess it is also customary to kiss the wall too. This is a tradition I believe I'll pass (as in not do) on.
I must say the advertising in bathrooms is quite different from that in LA. My roommate and I sometimes hit a pool hall called Pockets. There we find a pretty mixed crowd and an outlet for my karaoke. Here we also find guys like this.
Please note the white pants accompanied by the form fitting white shirt under which you can clearly see the outline of a wife beater. Hot.
Usually on the back of the stall door there's an ad for dating service or Bacardi. Here we have an ad discouraging "puppy mills." Although I think it's self explanatory I had definitely never heard of puppy mills until Pockets. I'll spare you the cage pictures.
I guess it's fair if I can get away wearing things like this to the grocery store without thinking twice.
Yep…that's elastic in my sweatpants.
People here also like to paint things on their car windows. Of course there's the whole TX PRIDE! thing but there's the occasional praise to the lord and plea to secede.
Here's some other major points we'll be covering today:
1. In TX Hooters is a family restaurant (Happy 12th Birthday Carlos)
2. There is such an ailment called "bar elbow," it is akin to tennis elbow.
3. Speeding in TX isn't allowed.
4. Dr. Pepper is the official drink of TX.
5. I am writing a series of children's self help books.
Here's the in-between.
Sooooo…I don't know about you guys but I'm pretty sure an odd question to field on the way into the Kroger is "excuse me Maaam, how are you today? Would you like to buy a baby turtle?"
I think it is best to just let you, the reader, marinate with this for a while. We'll come back.
On the way to a job interview, to which I never made it, I got my first speeding ticket in 10 years. 47 in a 35…that shit costs $173! I didn't even try to argue, I accepted my fate of driving school. In a place called Farmers Branch. I KNOW, you say…Kimmy can't you leave the courts alone?! I'm trying. BOOOOOO!
Needless to say my car is now registered in TX (I cannot WAIT to share my personalized plates with you all when they arrive) and my license is in the mail!
*notice the above did not contain the contraction "y'all"
When I first saw this headline in the Dallas Morning News I was intrigued. I thought maybe they were doing an expose on Wisconsin.
Upon further review "cheese" is what the kids are calling al ol' mix of black tar heroin and cold pills these days. Who knew?
The first installment of my children's self-help series will be called "Jordy and His Drugs." This book was inspired by a little trouble maker boy who works at Chili's and has dreams of playing basketball at community college but is ruining it all.
Now, living in a dry county comes with it's advantages and it's obvious disadvantages. (picture this read by the man who narrates The Dukes of Hazzard) I've discovered the medical condition of "bar elbow." Did you know you can lose the calluses on your elbow that you get from resting them on the bar? Then when you go and rest your elbows for the first time you have to deal with the fact that you have pansy elbows now?
Bar Elbow- [bahr] [el-boh]
A medical condition caused by infrequent visits to spirit (not to be confused with spiritual) establishments by which the calluses on the elbow deplete, causing blister and skin falling off like conditions upon returning to the bar for the first time and resting your elbows on the counter.
it's not pretty. This was taken after one of my first few visits to Chili's. BOOOOOOOOO! Pansy elbows!
I believe this was the same night that me and Allison (my roomie) went to Hooters as Chili's was dead and there's no such thing as a pub in Irving.
APPARENTLY Hooters falls under the umbrella of "family establishment" in TX. There were little boys running around everywhere. I'm judging since they knew all the waitresses by name their parents bring them there a lot. Wow. After the girls made Carlos use to go boxes as wings and put a cup on his nose like a beak and flap around the restaurant pretending to be an owl for his 12th birthday I snapped a photo of these boys at the bar. Yes, that is their mother with the Mickey Mouse bag WITH her kids IN Hooters after midnight.
Everywhere I go I'm offered Dr. Pepper. When I go to interviews they don't ask if I'd like water or coffee…they ask me if I'd like a Dr. Pepper. Everywhere, all the time.
Have you ever heard of Dublin, TX? Me either. I was informed by my friend Stacey (who has an extensive and thorough review and rating system of fast food restaurants regarding who has "good" and "bad" Dr. Pepper) that this is where they make Dr. Pepper with pure cane "Imperial Sugar." She is awesome all the time. Upon further investigation I've found that the oldest DP plant is in Dublin thus somehow officially rendering it the official drink of TX. I guess it's time for me to be a pepper.
Dublin DP
You may say BUT KIM didn't you own a turtle named Buster Rapscallion DeFranco that you bought for $5 in Santee Alley? My answer to you would be yes, that is correct. But I bought him IN AN ALLEY in LOS ANGELES. I went there to for the specific purpose of buying a turtle unlike Kroger where I had bread in mind. Sketchy. I want to hear from YOU! Weigh in.
Anyone who knows me understands I call all of my girl friends Gina. It's nice and easy. I have an army of 50 I call Gina who also calls me Gina…it really makes things easy. Whenever someone's real name is Gina it makes me giggle. Well Imagine my delight when I was at a temp agency a few weeks back and the person in front of me was named Nigina. I very stealthily took a picture. I'm such an ass. I pulled the ol' "oops wrong button" when the receptionist gave me a look.
Speaking of jobs, I just found out I got one. It's perfect for me. We'll get into it some other time.
Now I figure I'll wrap it up. I know you're busy at work and it's time for you to check CNN and Perez Hilton.
WELL I've got to go too. I'm going to meet BLANCHE from the GOLDEN GIRLS at a book signing tonight!
End scene and roll credits to The Golden girls theme song.
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