Woolooloo Woolooloo Woolooloo(chimes sounding) Let me take you all the way back to yesterday. Did you know the liver cools a degree and a half per hour after death? Hmmph.
I decided to take a walk and drift off into my ipod as It was a nice day. Walking along I noticed this candy bar on the ground…is it strange that I thought…"hmmm it's like 90 something degrees out here, I'd better eat that?" Is it strange that I ate it? It looked so lonely and it was so hot outside.
I know it's hard to see but in that crack lies a delicious fun size Snickers.
Well anyway, as I walked a little further I saw this sunflower against the sky and decided to take a picture.
Directly to the left were these other weird taller plants. Hidden more in the brush. It sometimes pains me to live in an FBI household. I will however be getting a new place soon. I should need some help from you TX people.
Then I went home and exercised with my bean. No jerks, the bean exerciser not that one.
I went to work, which shall remain a mystery to you all and NO it's not a titty bar but thank you all for your suggestions…duly noted, just because.
Here a 22 year old "colleague" comes bounding in and says "I'm pregnant!" "I'm glowing!" "Congratulations" I say. But I don't mean that. It's like that obligatory thing you have to do like when someone's a shitty cook, you eat the first helping and take a small portion of seconds whether you eat it or not. I mean, I suppose what I really meant is "you're welcome" since I, as will all of you, being paying for that baby.
"So that must have been your boyfriend you were in here with the other day?" I say. "No he's not, I mean he was, I just wanted to get pregnant again," she says.
*yes, back by popular demand…the red flag. The red flag to my blog is as WAAAh waaaaaaah is to Debbie Downer. If you're not familiar with Debbie Downer it is a hilarious sketch from SNL…here's one of my favorites. The very first and best one. It's worth the watch.
She continues "He's an asshole, I blame him for the death of our first baby even though they said it was SIDS. As soon as I took the test and found out, I'll never call him again, I'm so happy I just want another baby not him."
*OK, clearly I am no Oprah when it comes to relationships, well wait…didn't she blow it with Steadman and is at least partially gay? Bad example…I am no Dr. Phil when it comes to relationships so what comes out of me next baffles…YES…even me.
I say "Well, wouldn't you want to have a child with somebody you want to be with?" She replies "I don't want to be with anybody, I just want another baby." "Yeah," I say "But wouldn't you like to find someone you really want to be with to share that?" She then continues to emphasize what an asshole this guy was and how he headbutted her the other day. (yes, headbutt…can you imagine what what happen to some poor fella who tried to headbutt me…oy!) She then let me know that she's been flushing her birth control and trying to tolerate him as long as she can just trying to get pregnant.
It was true, at that very moment I found myself living in an episode of Jerry Springer and/or Maury. She then followed the previous statement with well, I have been talking to this girl in east Dallas, she has a boyfriend who's a real asshole too. "Well, now you have a baby daddy" I say as we crack up and part ways for a few minutes.
During this next few minutes I laughed and muttered things to myself under my breath. Not laughing because it was funny, but because that's what I do. Anyone who knows me I have a knack for laughter at inappropriate times. When I'm nervous, when I'm in trouble, marketing meetings, client meetings where they use words like "robust," anything really. It drives people around me nuts. They ask, "what are you laughing at?" Nine times out of ten my answer is nothing. Just laughing. It is a fantastic gift that I cannot explain. For future reference, I apologize now to anyone for during sex, though I am not saying it hasn't happened before.
Back to our show…then as she brought it up a few more times that night I thought to myself that I'd be curled in a ball cursing and crying if I was pregnant. I know it's not the right time for me but I put myself in my colleague's shoes and I couldn't think of a worse time. She has also been in and out of jail a few times. I would say c'est la vie but I hate the French.
Moving along. I uh. I um….(looking at my feet and digging my right foot into the ground) I watched motocross the other night and was actually enjoying it. I DON'T KNOW! GOD! SHUT UP!
I had gone out for a little then came home and thought…well I'd better finish this bottle of wine due to our fruit fly infestation. I can't even tell you how dirty fruit flies make me feel. I also am now constantly walking around looking like a tweaker thinking there's bugs on me and swatting at shit. Between those and mosquitoes I seem like an agent orange tragedy.
Anyhoo, I'm going to chalk my moto enjoyment up to the booze. I hate car and motorcycle racing and shit like that so must have been spirited by the spirits. Or I'm turning TX. I think I need to go to confession. I'll start from the first time I got my period.
"Bless me father for I have sinned. My last confession was 16 years ago." Boy could you imagine…I'm totally going to do that and tape it and post it. YES!
So this morning I went to the drive thru at Burger King. I order. Naturally the illegal voice on the other end has it all wrong no matter how many times I've repeated myself like Ben Stein. A male English speaking voice tells me to drive around. I get to the window, I'm looking at a woman who is giving me a look like she just ate a shit sandwich until she speaks. It's a man…who repeats my order like a bitchy gay guy (No, I'm no hater…I love the gays) and I'm just sitting there having been thrown off guard. "Yes, that's it, I thought she said extra coke" I say as he scoffs as if to say "duuuuuuh." I wanted to punch him. Right in his adam's apple which is doused Red Door and Polo. Don't put people who can't speak English in positions that require the speaking of English. Bitch. Fuck.
I rolled up my window and drove away. "Fucking transvestites" I say out loud to myself. It was then that I realized had I not lived in Hollywood so long, this statement probably wouldn't have seemed so natural. Whatever the case that guy should be careful to avoid a lynching.
Here I sit on another hot Sunday sipping my weight shake and trying to mentally prepare for the big meeting I have tomorrow morning. There is currently a commercial regarding vaginal infections on tv (no I'm not watching Lifetime) and the dog is giving me a stare down. I'd better go.
Oh, and I didn't really eat that Snickers. It made for a good stop along this here blog journey…speaking of…
End scene and roll credits to "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.
Love,
Kim
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